Doing a little Housekeeping

So I'll make this quick. Please excuse our infinite ratchetness for not being around for 3 months a little while. I think we all get caught up in the hustle and bustle of things, and though Holly and I have many strengths, juggling all of our many responsibilities can be just plain overwhelming sometimes. Big thanks for sticking with us.

Apologies out of the way, when did 20-something get so dang crazy??? I thought being young, fabulous, and 20-ish was all about being on top of everything- making your dreams come true, kicking ass and taking names, take no prisoners, do what you feel, ball-til-we-fall, all-i-do-is-win, rockstarlifestylemightdontmakeit, etc? It looks like lately, I'm the one who's ass is getting kicked. Can we say overwhelmed? In the past 3 months I've taken on new financial responsibilities, quit and picked up several jobs, moved clear across the country, and am now gearing up for what I fully expect to be the most enlightening (fiscal) year of my life. Yet, in all of my infinite optimism, I'm honestly exhausted....but happy...moving towards contentment.

For the past 3 months, I've struggled to find the work/life balance and the biggest conclusion I've come to, at the tender age of 24 is, I just cant do it like I used to!!!  I can remember a time not too long ago where all-nighters were commonplace and I took them on like I had nothing to lose.(Then, I really didn't have anything to lose) I can also remember when I could actually physically sleep (long) past 8am. Is that like a secret rule in the grown-up guidebook on rising with the chickens NO MATTER how late (or early) you went to bed? (sidenote: I judge people who sleep all day... but I digress) For this particular reason, I have found living the single, sexy and FREE life taking a new more realistic and sane form.

We all know its all about balance, and the first step to getting myself back on track after this summer whirlwind, was prioritizing the things that were most important. On the list, my vision board. If you don't have one, get one.period. Let it be a dynamic reflection of your best self, 5 years, 10 years from now.  Second, communicating more effeciently. Sometimes, in our youthful naivete we bite off more than we can literally chew. Yes, you are fabulous, NO you cannot do it all. Its really important to know what you can handle and how to communicate effeciently to get the things you need. Third, planning. This cannot be more underrated. When I think of all the fabulous people I admire, they all have one common thread: preparation. They know where they are, know where they have been, and know exactly where they are going because they have structured their lives in a systematized fashion. Whether organized chaos or meticulous calculation- the happiest, most successful people are deliberate people. Last, forgive myself. Sometimes we can be our own biggest critic. And when we get off track and out of wack, we can cause ourselves so much unnecessary damage by beating ourselves into oblivion.I've been guilty of spending so much time on the what-ifs that I miss the opportunity. Sometimes, you gotta get a little f-it in your system. Better luck next time. Try again later. Just don't make the same mistakes. I guess. (I'm still SO figuring this one out)

In short, because that was long- Adulthood is like nothing and everything I expected it to be. Word of the week: Order. Find it. Need some practical application strategies? I'm going to start by cleaning up my bedroom, lol. Like my life, its been a total wreck. If you're anything like me- my space often reflects the intensity of my life at the moment. I'm excited to welcome some much needed order in.

Walking (Writing) the Line

In case you were wondering.....

KF Diaries is not a fluke, We didn't drop off the face of the planet although I'm sure our readers would bet money that we did. We have been toiling over a number of issues since our debut and are eager to get back to sharing with you!

One thing we have learned is that writing a blog, especially a blog about life and relationships, tows a fine line. For readers who know you personally, but don't necessarily know you well, a blog like ours could be easily misconstrued as an autobiography. KF Diaries is a LOT of things and sometimes the things we write run parallel to past or present situations we or our friends are having. However, this is not a tell-all book. But we do understand that much of the anonymity of our thoughts is lost giving the close proximity of relationships our readership holds to us, the writers.

We are quickly figuring out how to tow this fine line and are excited about whats in the works. When we first started writing we didn't think that readers, especially the ones who know us personally, would be so invested in our posts.  We are so glad that you are, and we want to make sure that we are giving you the best that we've got. With this is mind we want the friends of KFdiaries to keep 2 things in mind: This is KF's diaries NOT Love's Lyric and Holly GoLightly's DIARY. We are sharing our thoughts, but not necessarily our lives!! And secondly, We love you and though we have taken a break, we value our readers and want you to work with us as we transition.

We are coming back! Look for new posts at the first of the month, and we promise there won't be anymore abrupt and extended breaks. Thanks for your support and love.

- Holly G. & Love's Lyric

I win, You lose

I think we can all think of one of those moments in our tender youth where we distinctly remember being wrongly accused of an offense and being punished without due process. Even more, some of us might  still be carrying around some trauma over said transgressions. Maybe you were a victim of the court of school yard public opinion, or you had a mama who was the supreme court justice of "don't-even-try-to-explain-yourself-because-you're-just-going-to-get-beat-harder-cus-I-don't-play-that" and you never got the chance to prove yourself innocent or atleast concede reasonable doubt. Maybe some of you have buried the image of that person that got you that epic beatdown or never ending punishment. You've finally gotten to the point where you can let old dogs lie and have moved on.

Not me. Just when you thought you might never get your day in court, I am hear to let you know that you will too have justice.

Everybody get your roll on

It is officially time. I've traded in my lily pad bus and train pass for a set of new wheels and I am beyond excited. Yep that's her above. The new love of my life. In beautiful Spelman Glacier Blue. And she's just quite magnificent.

Making my first big purchase has been an incredible journey. Delayed gratification has paid off big time. While I know that this endeavour is not an asset in the traditional sense of the word (this item does NOT appreciate in value), it signifies for me the first time in my adult life when I truly feel free. So that's an ASSET for me indeed! I mean, being mobile has literally given me the attitude check I need. I feel now that I can go out and literally conquer the world- and my baby SUV is going to give me the security I need to make that all happen. In celebration of this new found freedom, I am embarking on a monster of a road trip with 2 great friends to totally seal the deal.

However, the journey to finding the perfect wheelie companion has been quite a rocky one. First, it was just deciding on what to buy. Then, it was finding the right dealer. Between ARP's, MSRP's, EX's, LX's, and all the other automotive acronyms, I was literally DRIVEN to tears on more than one occasion. The most difficult part, hands down was financing. I wont get into the details of my personal melodrama, but I will say, people, TAKE CARE OF YOUR CREDIT! Like, you have no clue how much those little plastic cards can damage your life. Oh yea, its ALL good your freshman year when you get that first piece of magic cash. You're tearing down Victoria's Secret and Bloomingdales. But then you get older, and try and make a large purchase, like oh, i don't know, A CAR- and the dealer and financier looks at you like you MUST be crazy if you think they are going to get a loan. Maybe some of you aren't familiar with this situation, but for those who do, here are a few steps for repairing your credit so that you can get rolling whenever you are ready.

To-MAY-to...To-MAH-to

A couple weeks ago, I talked about picking your produce or rather, picking the kind of person who is looking for the same things you are looking for. Vegetables are the guys/girls who you only want to be friends with or who only want to be your friend. Fruits are the guys/girls who you have a reciprocal attraction to.  Both vegetables or fruits are created equally, but there is something and someone for everyone. However, if the goal is to find our frog prince/princess we will have to spend a great deal of time shopping for fruits, which brings me to the tomato.
In terms of produce, the tomato is without question the holy grail which resides at the nexus of what you need and what you want. The beauty of the tomato is that it has all the characteristics of a vegetable. Its often referred to as a veggie by cooks because of its savory flavor. However, if you ask any scientist, she will inform you that the lovely tomato is in fact fruit, as it is produced by a plant rather than being the plant itself.

Now before you assume I'm going off on a random scientific tangent, allow me refocus this information. The ideal mate, whatever that is for each of us, has to be a tomato. We need the characteristics that have made the vegetables solid friends that have been around for years, coupled with all the things that we loooove about fruits, including really liking the way they look. Fruit is too sweet and has too much sugar for us to eat all the time, but it just looks and tastes so dang good. As many of us now, everything that looks and tastes good, isn't always good for us! Tomatoes are just as fun to look at but we don't have to worry about getting a stomach ache because they have a savory foundation instead of  just some sweet flavor.

Where would I be without you?

So over the past couple months of writing for KFdiaries, I've learned a lot about myself and am starting to feel like a real blogger. Thanks to the support of great friends and even people we have never met, Kissing Frogs has flourished and we are happy to share our lives, thoughts, and yearnings with you on a daily basis. What we should clarify is that everything we write on here is not always indicative of actual events happening at the exact moment in our lives. Most things are thoughts we've had for awhile and have toiled over for at least a few days to a few weeks before posting. Sometimes they are things that we have actually experienced but most are just thoughts and criticism on the world as we see it and how we think its being dished to our peers. Sometimes a little more anonymity might help our readers see our comments for what they are instead of attaching it to what (they think) might actually be happening in our lives at the moment. Contrary to the title, this isn't a diary at all. This is just us, telling it how we see it, not putting our innermost secrets out for public consumption but making a little social commentary with our special twist. But this post. Oh this post is very much about some foolywang I, MYSELF(forgive the redundancy), experienced in the streets of Oakland only a couple days ago. This post comes deep from the core of my spirit. I'm about to tell it all- we're going LIVE and I'm about to give it to you as close to real-time as it gets.

Now, you should know, if you know nothing else about Oakland California, that it is quite possibly the strangest place in America. I say this for a number of reasons. For starters the diversity is deceptive. Not so much to others, but to its inhabitants. Its not that we have so many different kinds of people, but more that cultural lines are so incredibly blurred, Bay people tend to be a breed all of their own. We think a lot of things are socially acceptable, that wouldn't fly in any other part of the world. (i.e. We made 'going dumb', make sense. I rest my case.) This understanding of the deceptive nature of urban Bay culture is literally the only way I can try to understand what I saw on one of my rare weekend social outtings.

Read on for the rest.....

The Diva Dude by Very Smart Brothas

This was too good to even try to explain, expound, or expunge. Introducing the Diva Dude. Click and Enjoy.

Defining the Diva Dude

I know our Frog Kisser's can relate.

All of my Love, L.L.

When your well runs dry

Everybody always talks about the myth of the 'grass being greener'. And we all know to be wary of stepping over to the other side, just because it looks shiny and sparkly from a distance. We are told by mentors, peers, and friends that this myth has taken many a man (and woman) into its wrath and hung them out to dry. Yet, we still repeat our mistakes and  continue to hear that tired phrase because everyday another person tries it on for size. I'm not sure if humans are just meant to wander  and wonder forever, travel aimlessly into the depths of curiosity, only to return for the age old "I told you so." It seems that we just will never learn.

Take for instance a guy I know. Said guy has been with his girl for many years. They have had some ups and downs but in the end, their love for each other has brought them both through, together. While he has been a good boyfriend, he has had his share of hiccups as has she. But in the end there is no question that this chick he has on his arm is solid. A keeper. A catch. The two are young, and though they have been together for awhile- they both know they have plenty of life ahead of them. She sees her future with him. He remains unsure. While she sees them building a life together, he sees himself pursuing his professional goals somewhat independently and later settling down when the time is right. She knows that they can forge something great together. He's afraid its just too early to tell. Though she's confident he is the one- some big little part of him is still wondering....

Pick Your Produce

 I have been chewing on the idea for this post for a while, but the first couple times I attempted to write it the words refused to come. I have been thinking about it a lot lately as I venture out in the city and meet new men. Then the other night a conversation with a good friend gave me just the spark I needed.

Recently, a friend of mine told me about a slightly confusing conversation he had with a girl he was once involved with and had since labeled as his 'homie'. The woman wanted to know if there was or would ever be a chance for them to be more. He was baffled by the question assuming the years of physical distance and current nature of their friendship had implied that this was definitely a 'no go'. But this is not the critical part of the story. After divulging the details of their past relationship, he went on to question the nature and status of their friendship post awkward conversation. I immediately asserted that they were not friends and that they probably would not be friends now. He didn't get it, so I explained that he was marked as a fruit in her life, and once marked as such it's nearly impossible to ever become a vegetable. 

Walking the produce section of your favorite grocery store or farmer's market is a lot like meeting new people of the opposite sex.  Fruits and vegetables come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors. Some will be way more appealing than others, but one important fact remains: No matter what they look like or how they taste, they are all either a vegetable OR a fruit. Our bodies need both to remain healthy and function properly, requiring daily servings of each. Thanks to that cute little food pyramid in health class, I know we all learned this lesson years ago.

As we move closer to whatever goals we have and purpose God has for our lives, our time, energy and efforts become more intently focused. We at least try to make every minute count and every meeting purposeful, which brings me back to the produce section. Stepping into the chilled, brightly colored area of the market is intentional, we know we need fruits and vegetables so we have to get them. The same is true when encountering people of the opposite or same sex (depending on your preference), we know we need lovers AND friends.

The Vegetable:

We have to have vegetables, they are essential to our survival. Friends, like veggies are critical to our sanity. Friends of the opposite sex, (like veggies) are often devalued, but it's impossible to live without them. They will be a spring board for your encounters with those in the 'lovers' category, keeping your expectations realistic. They will definitely keep you grounded and let you know when you are trippin'. No shade to my female friends, but sometimes I just need a break from all the estrogen. In some cases the vegetables can become the best fruit you ever had. The problem with vegetables arise when we want to make them fruits. If everyone is on board with the transition from friends to lovers, then we are good. But if they are not, it usually doesn't end well.


read on to find out about the fruit...

We're having Textual Relations

I picked up the phone and called your punk a**. I waited patiently for your return call. I sat there, and the blackberry made that indiscriminate beep/twirp/twitch sound. I know it can't possibly you. That sound signifies a text. I KNOW I called you. I KNOW you're NOT texting me back. No, you're not crazy. You're definitely not texting back. It was your punk a** texting me back.

I just really don't get it. It could all be so simple, but they rather make it hard. I try and try to understand the rational in returning someone's correspondence via an alternative measure from which they first made contact. Ill give some folks the benefit of the doubt. You're busy, so your texting to say "Hey, I'm busy with something, can I hit you later?". But your punk ass definitely just wrote "wassup". What's up is you acting like a simpleton who doesn't know the cardinal rule: By any means necessary, communication by reciprocal means is not an option, its a requirement.

#shade

"Every saints got a past and every sinner's got a future"

I've spent a lot of time and energy hating people. Loyalty has been both my greatest and worst quality. For a long time, I saw my interactions with people in two specific categories: With me OR Against me. I'm sure many people can relate. I still sort of see it that way. My categorizing stemmed from a constant need as a child to be a pleaser. I always wanted everyone to be happy and often compromised myself to that end. It was hard for me to understand that EVERYONE wasn't my friend. I forgave people so easily and it usually ended with me being hurt. There was a particular point in my life where I decided I should compromise myself no longer and therefore it became necessary to group my acquaintances to help me be the best person that I could be.

My new found independence served me well in many situations and it definitely helped me learn about the kind of company I wanted to keep. However, this soon evolved into holding grudges. It was very simple. Once you betrayed me, we were done. Big or small, I didn't mess with you and I let it be known. And I would NOT forget. From a personal slight to my friends-friends-friend didn't like you - whatever the offense, my 'sh*t list' was extensive. The energy expended maintaining it hurt me more than it hurt them.

As I've gotten older, I've allowed myself to change and be flexible. I've realised that my relationships should be somewhat the same. Just as I am dynamic, I should allow others to have the room to progress in my understanding of who they are. I'm learning to allow people who have hurt me to be dynamic creatures- if they choose to prove themselves as such. This basically means: I'm not going to spend my energy being mad at you for something you did 3 years ago, when you were possibly a different person than you are today. Does this mean forgive and forget? Absolutely not. I am just adopting a perspective that helps me be a happier and more accepting person.

So where do these people go? Oh they still go on the 'Sh*t list'- Appendix A. I'm just not about to spend a whole bunch of time hating you because honestly you don't matter.  At this point nothing you have done has contributed to my happiness, so I should give you the same amount of passion you have given me. I'm not about to tell people how much I cant stand you or avoid going to places I like because you might be there. I'm not going to let your presence ruin my evening or spend countless conversations rehashing why you are the bootsyest person on earth. You just are who you are and I have to accept that and move on. I'm not about to get mad every time I see your name in my twitter timeline. I will not go into convulsions at the simple mention of your name in the similar company we keep.

"When you hold a grudge, you block your blessing"

I'm definitely a work in progress on learning how to not spend unnecessary energy throwing shade.(But I reserve the right to throw a #sideeye whenever I please) I'm just all about not blocking my blessings these days. I have too much I want to accomplish to spend valuable energy being mad at somebody else. Plus, when I see other people who seem to not like anybody- it is the most unattractive quality I've ever been exposed to. Nobody likes that person, nobody wants to talk to that person because all they have is something negative to say about somebody else. Sometimes, we just have to let stuff go so that we can grow.

Saying Goodbye to Ugly [Betty] Holly

Last Wednesday was the series finale of Ugly Betty, a show I began watching a few years ago and quickly became hooked on. For those not familiar, the series followed the rise of Betty Suarez (played by America Farrera), a Latina girl from Queens, through the ranks of the fashion magazine industry. When the series began she was a tacky (to put it nicely) glasses and braces wearing girl with big ideas. As the show came to a close, viewers saw Betty's transformation from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan speed up dramatically. By the final episode she was stealth, fashionable, sans braces, still wearing glasses but much better looking glasses. The thing that did not change throughout the many years of the show was Betty's kind spirit and morals.During the final scenes of the show I realized what made me feel such an affinity for Betty over the many years: I AM BETTY! (Minus the braces and the tacky dressing... I've always had style.)

15 Signs He Is Just THAT Into You

Real men give real signs that they really do like YOU

Flip through almost any women's magazine and you will see the list: 10 Ways to Know He Likes You, Top Signs He’s in Love, 25 Reasons He’s Your Man. These lists usually feature some delusional assemblage of relationship banter and foolishness some scorned woman came up with. They are often generic and leave us still wondering what the answers really are. We have all read such lists and asked ourselves, does this guy actually exist? The worst part is that some of us go out expecting to find the man from the checklists and are more than a little disappointed whenever the man we meet falls short.

A few weeks ago, we decided to put women everywhere out of their misery and give them the real signs that a man in his 20s is REALLY feeling YOU. We polled some of the best and brightest of our male friends between the ages of 22-26 to get the scoop. To say we were shocked by the volume of the responses is an understatement As it turns out, if you ask men how they feel (without all the strings and red tape attached), they will spill. And boy did they give us the goods. Below, in no particular order, are the tell-tale signs he is most definitely into you.**

He shares his secrets with you. Secrets are important to any growing relationship. Not keeping them, but sharing them with your partner is critical. If he is really feeling you, he will share the things he holds closest: his fears, the things that make him hurt, and his passions. “Typically, [guys] don't divulge their personal info to just any old chick, mainly because he has no intention in making that stop a permanent one, he's just passing through.” He may share these things through conversation or in other ways. “[If he] asks for you to join him somewhere he is really excited about, something that he is passionate about. He wants to share his real interests with you. He could ask his boys, which would be painless and without pretense- but he asked you because he wants to share this with you.”

He remembers your siblings name and that your favorite color is Aquamarine. One of our guys explained this better than we ever could: "If a guy makes a point to remember things about you [and] If you ain't [expletive], you're probably saying 'He's supposed to be doing that anyway (spoken with the stank voice).' And to a certain degree you're right, but I'm talking about remember things that even your best homegirl might not easily remember. For example, it was this chick that I was soooo into, I made it my business to remember everything she told me, our first date, our first convo (and what we talked about), what she had on when I met her, the first kiss, her best friend, etc. Peep, even to this day, I remember her birthday, middle name, where her family's originally from, her siblings name, what I said to make her smile, what I/she had on when we met, what she ordered on our first date, fav. color, song, basically everything I was told (directly or indirectly)"

He notices you switched to Clean and Clear. He remembers the little things on accident. “If he makes mental note of what you’re allergic to, how you sleep...” these things don't necessarily matter, but they demonstrate that you do! “I remember details such as, you changed face washes or perfume or If I remember obscure stuff that’s small and meaningless that we discussed weeks ago like [and follow up like] 'did your mother ever find her cell phone charger?'"

He hears what you don’t say. We all want a man to listen, but the guys say it’s hearing what you didn't say that matters most. Now we’ll say this- this is a tough one for immature guys, they will take your “Im fine” for face value. But when he is deeply interested in you, he will pick up on when everything isn't okay; even if you say it is. “If I am 'feeling her,' I am listening to what she is NOT SAYING. I am paying attention to her body language, her eagerness-- or lack their of-- when answering intimate questions. I am listening to the way she talks about her family-- and, what she does not say. I am hearing her 'confident talk,' but I am listening to her when she shed lights on her insecurities.”

5 Things I Did Because I liked a Boy

If you say you've never changed even a little bit for a guy or girl you liked, you are a bonafide liar. Its apart of being in relationship with other people. We are dynamic and so we change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. Im not talking about totally changing your moral compass for a stranger, but I am sure we have all made some adjustments that we may have never thought we'd do. I was thinking the other day about being in a relationship, and how after you've been in it for so long, things become so commonplace. I also thought about the person I have become since being 'attached' versus single. Once you've been with someone for awhile and habits begin to form, its often hard to distinguish where you end and the other person begins. Most of my personality changes and dispositions have come as a result of age but some choices have definitely been from direct exposure to certain individuals along the line who have left their mark on my psyche. 

1.  I got saved.
Now me and the Lord have be rocking for awhile, so I dont mean saved in the literal sense. By saved, I mean to say, I tried to be a goodie-two-shoes-trophy-wife-dream-girl-figment-of-some-delusional-soul's-vivid-imagination-project. I stopped laughing unnecessarily loud in public places. Tamed down the neon colors and exchanged them for some pearls. Tried not to curse and made up stories about how I would NEVER do this or that becuase it was "just bad manners." Now in no way am I saying I should have been running around like a wild banchie. It was deinfitely time to evolve,  but because my display was so ingeniune and predicated by another's vision for myself instead of my own- it was totally for naught. I tried to "grow up' into a person who doesnt even exist to suit another's taste's, instead of evolving to suit my own. In reality, I still have some giggles left in me, and at that point in my life it was not at all appropriate for me to hang up my fun face for an apron.

What Every Woman Should Know...

Im sure many of you have come across this jewel, but its so good it deserves a second (and third) read. Haroled as "The Best  Poem Maya Angelou Has Ever Written", this diamond was actually composed by Pamela Redmond Satran and has stuck with me since it was shared  a few years ago during a leadership retreat.

Because she said it best, I wont diminish its power by attempting to explain. I just thought our frog kissers could enjoy a little poetic prose on this lovely Monday morn.

A Woman Should Have by Pamela Redmond Satran

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..


enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she’s content to leave behind….

a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to

retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,

whom she can’t,

and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

where to go…

be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…

or a charming inn in the woods…

when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…

a month…and a year…

Going the Distance: Officially missing you...

I feel like such a negative Nancy writing posts for the Going the Distance series. I really wish I had something good to say. But I really don't. Not because my relationship is bad, but because long distance in and of itself is just bad. It just is. If you can avoid it, avoid it. Its the necessary evil that I'm dealing with right now to get to where I want to be. I won't sugar coat it: LOVE him, HATE it. The worst part is the mean case of the lonelys I'm always struggling with. So having the chance to tell someone, anyone, all about it is pretty therapeutic. Bare with me while I lay on the counseling couch.

Missing someone is a terribly complicated emotion that manifests itself in many different actions and reactions. Namely, it can turn you into a bonafide, buy some mace, get the restraining order PSYCHO gf. Like seriously, Ive always had a few stalker tendencies stemming from my ever present need to be bossy in control. I cant help it. I am quite impulsive when it comes to the people I care about. Further, when all the other emotions get mixed into the ones that come from longing for the companionship of a specific individual, boundaries for acceptable behavior are sure to be crossed. Lets take this for example:

Hop on this: The Walk

Its been raining a lot in california. So much so that I'm starting to think its about time to build that ark just in case we really are living in our last days. Now, I am making a gross assumption that a majority of you reading this are black, black women specifically- so I won't go into the back story of what this means for us. All those not of color- if u aren't familiar, don't go ask a back person- just google black women hair AND water, and see what comes up. (side note: google is like the best kept well known secret- anything you need to know is just a mouse click away, and Google will never punch you in the face for being ignorant) But I digress.

Dealing with the rain and all things water has been like an ongoing battle for me since I got my very first press in kindergarten. For some this was a taste of the creaming crack. The breakthrough moment that let you know you and water were no longer friends. Whatever torture you went through to get your very own dark and lovely, I am sure the sentiment was all the same. Stay away from the wet. I never learned to swim. I never put my head under the shower to let the water run down my face. Even when washing my hair there was something strange about the potential of full submersion. Why? Because from a  young age it was  CRYSTAL clear, that after my grandma spent $40 to get my 5 year old head worth of hair greased, shined, and twirled to perfection- water above the neck without the proper controls was to be avoided like the plague. Understanding this fact reiterates the absurdity of what I am about to tell you next.

Death of the Phone Call

About 45 days ago I embarked on a journey that came to an end yesterday, Sunday, April 4th. I, the self-proclaimed social networking junkie kicked the habit. For the duration of Lent I relinquished the rights to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. This was not an easy task, especially in the midst of a 24th birthday in a new city and launching the blog, but I did it! It never occurred to me how involved I was in my social networking addictions until I let them go. It was way too easy for me to enthrall myself in the minute goings on of my friends throughout the world than to actually focus in on my current surroundings. As I delve back into social networking, I do so with a new perspective.

These tools work best when they are used to enhance our relationships, interactions and business, rather than becoming the sole means by which exist. While I was out of the loop, all of the people I look forward to communicating with daily   used more traditional methods of communication to catch up on life and vise versa. While social networking tools like Facebook and Twitter make things way easier, I will admit I found great joy in hearing my phone ring with calls and text messages, but especially calls. It made me think about the years before the internet ruled the world and we had to actually call and visit the people we wanted to talk to. Now I find myself looking at my call log noting gaps of time without a single social call. How did we go from memorizing the numbers of our most frequently dialed contacts to barely reaching out for a voice on the other end of the line?

We text message, Facebook message, Facebook chat, tweet, direct message and anything else that  helps us avoid voice to voice dialogue. No party is guiltier of this offense than the single dating population. Men don’t call anymore when they want to get to know a woman, and women have become so desensitized to this grievance that we have adopted the same avoidance tactics. They text so we text, never forcing the phone call for fear that we will make waves. Prince wrote this great song that became one of my favorites when Alicia Keys rerecorded it in the early 2000's. The song had a very simple message, 'if what we had was good, how come you don’t call me anymore'? These words have never rang truer than right now. I meet men that will appear very cool and engaged in during our initial meeting and then…he NEVER calls. He will definitely text message, he will ask for my Facebook information oh and for me to 'send [him] a pic' (side eye…& a post for a totally different day), but will neglect the actual phone call. It used to really piss me off, then I assimilated and started communicating in the same ways, and now like Jay-Z, I'm off that! 

Your Ex, My Treasure

As an avid vintage and thrift store shopper, I realize the potential  left in things that have been discarded. Every season, I create a giveaway and a throw away bin. Items in the giveaway bin are things that are still in great condition, they just no longer fit my style or my body. Items in the throw away bin are quite different, these items have no doubt seen their best days, and now those days are far behind them. These items have nothing left to give me so they must be given to the garbage. People in our lives can be put in the same categories with one addition, the 'keep forever bin', simply called keepers. Some friends are around forever, and you may recognize this as soon as you meet or a month or even a year down the line, but the fact is, this person isn't going anywhere. All family members fit into this category by default no matter how much you may wish you could give them away or, better yet, throw them away. But what about the people that end up in the giveaway and throw away bins? Do we still have claims on them?

People that fall into these areas usually do so for the same reasons as clothes. Some friends, boyfriends and boo thangs just do not make the cut; they just don't fit in with your life plan, and in some cases you're carelessness has caused them to jump in there themselves. These people, like clothes, may have worked for you at one time but they just don't anymore. Or maybe, they never worked but you kept hoping that one day they would. What do you do when one of your keepers and one of your discards lock eyes? That's right, your trash and your treasure have found value in each other, without you in the middle. I know it's an unwritten rule that under no circumstances do you date your friend's exes; when they're done with them, you're supposed to be done with them too. However, I think this rule is actually antiquated and extremely flawed.

Consulting with my Inner (and Outer) Fat girl

Yes, Im talking to you. You that's rolling over the top of my jeans, making my feet to big to fit into my favorite shoes, and demolishing the seams in my Get'Em girl dress. I say no to bread and butter, you say "F- that, I like butter"(a la Wanda Sykes "Ester"). I try to eat healthy, you say "Hey this IS lowfat Ice cream". I tell you that Im changing my life and you've got to go, and just like my ex who keeps on calling, you keep calling me too....to the refridgerator. I really dont understand why you treat me like you do. I welcomed you with open arms everytime I took a bite of a cupcake or a honeybun- and here you are betraying me with every roll, bulge, and crater.

Single Black Female, Addicted to Retail

Guilty as charged. Last week I think I truly lost my mind. I spent nearly everyday online shopping and racked up quite a number of debit and paypal transactions in my attempts to prepare for the Spring and pending Summer seasons. I needed this or that, as I told myself- and the list kept growing until as always, I was totally spent. With every click to add something to my shopping cart, I rationalized "Oh, you definitely NEED this girl. This is EXACTLY what you've been looking for." There was a time when this behavior was slightly rationalizable. As a college student, I would spend my very last dime with the assurance that if worse came to worse, I'd just sneak into the cafeteria for my next meal. But now that I am a "real" adult- it boggles my mind that I keep up this foolishness. I work so hard for my little money all day at a job that doesn't make me happy and still I put no more value on the dollar. What is wrong with me?

I've had this problem for quite sometime. I could never keep my funds to myself- Im just too much of a giver (lol).  Though I am a fan of the finer things in life, I am a STAN for a good sale. Its like I cant say no. Where is the switch in my brain that controls my desire to rid myself of every hard earned penny I make, because I need to turn it OFF. I go to my online bank account and open my eyes slowly to view my account balance. As the screen loads, I start counting to myself "I couldn't have spent that much-- I bet I have about $--- in there." I say a small prayer to the banking gods. The number appears and laughs hysterically at my foolish heart. Money burning a hole in my pocket is an understatement.

Ode to Mr. Can I Have Yo Numba

At this age we have all encountered you once, at least once. You know who you are, that one man who only has one goal and objective as soon as you lay eyes on a woman or her goodies, getting her number by ANY means NECESSARY.You are so intently focused that my name and relationship status are only trivial back story. You come in many shapes, sizes and colors and make it a point to be wherever beautiful women spend time. You're not a bad person, (in most cases) your approach is just so short sighted and ill-informed that a woman can't even zero in on the good stuff. One might ask, if you've been shot down so many times, why does your foolywang persist? The answer is simple, there are women out there who respond positively to your elementary school antics.

We were once young and dumb too -- lacking the good sense required to demand more respect than the meager serving your advances provided; so we quickly rattled off names, ages, and batted our eyes when you abrasively postured and presented your singular interest. However we have grown up- learned a few things- and you, we see, are still up to your same old shenanigans. We avoid eye contact and yet you still pursue. We act like we're reading and you say, "Are you busy?" We try to talk on the phone and you interrupt with, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" We're starting to think that we continue to run into you day in and day out because we've done something wrong. Maybe we haven't been crystal clear about what's wrong with your entire approach. So here are the 25 reasons why no, sir,  you may NOT have my number.

1. You greeted me with, "How old you is?"
2. You grabbed me.
3. I can see your underwear.
4. What yo name is?, is not a grammatically correct sentence.
5. Its 9 am and You smell of reefer.
6. You are ogling my goodies like swine at a meat market.
7. Your friend is ogling my goodies.
8. You yelled "Ay! Come meer"
9. You asked me, "How many kids you got?"
10. You're wearing a do rag, in public.
11. After I said no thanks, you tried to talk to my friend.
12. You said "Oh you's a college girl".
13. When I told you I went to Spelman, you then told me your brother went there too. *side eye*
14. You called me baby girl, sweet thang, and good looking all in the same breath. A simple excuse me will do.
15. I told you I had a man and you asked, "Can you have friends?"
16. I told you I had a man and you said, "shit, I got a girl."
17. Your breath smells like shit
18. You honked at me and drove behind me slowly. Stalker much?
19. You cursed me out after I didn't acknowledge your honking.
20. Your reputation precedes you.
21. I'm sorry, are those gold teeth?
22. You told me, baby girl- I can change yo life/upgrade you/ rule your world
23. When I told u I was good, u replied. "Oh yes, you are!"
24. Your profile is featured on dontdatehim.com

25. After saying hello you immediately said, CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER! No!

*Bonus*

26. You asked via Facebook message, and I don't even know you.

Love,
Love's Lyric and Holly GoLightly

Did we miss anything? Comment below with your additions to the list!

Tadpole Tales: Do You Like Me? (Pick One)

A few weeks ago I picked my little cousin up from school, this simple task always serves as a lesson in patience and successfully navigating the moods swings of an eight year old know-it-all. On this particular day, he excitedly jumped in the truck with a huge smile on his face. Used to being greeted with a scowl and an eye roll, I immediately questioned the obvious deviation from the norm. He responded by promptly pulling a folded piece of paper from his pocket.

Opening up the piece of paper was like a reading a sign welcoming me back to my childhood. The note read, "Do you like me?" with three response options, "yes," "no," and "as a friend". As I read the note (not concerning myself with the response) I flashed back to the days when I kissed cute tadpoles instead of getting headaches from slimey bullfrogs. When I finally emerged from my flash back with the kind of pleased smirk parents have as their kids open presents on Christmas morning, I was bombarded with questions. By the way the object of my little cousin's affection checked the "as a friend" box. Blake wanted to know, "What do girls like?" "How do you make them like you?" and "Can I get Kailey a present?". Not prepared to answer such questions on an eight year old level, I took a second to think. The answers were simple, "Girls like you to be nice to them." "You can make a girl like you by being nice and giving them compliments" and "No you can't get her a present, you're too young for all that".

After getting Blake to his house, I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about all the tadpoles that made my elementary and middle school years memorable (and at times slightly miserable ). I had some pretty stellar tadpoles back in the day, definitely worth their weight in Jolly Ranchers and Now & Laters. Being an adult, in a much bigger pond with frogs more complicated than all my tadpoles combined makes me miss the days when I kissed tadpoles out of curiosity and the most difficult decision on any given Monday morning was choosing the perfect ensemble.

Who was the star tadpole or little "princess" of your youth?

Going the Distance: You didnt come home last night.

You have a perfectly good relationship. Everything appears to be going in the right direction. He is considerate. You are attentive. You share many special moments. And then the unthinkable happens. He doesnt come home.

Thinking about this my mind automatically goes to a scene in Chris Rock's movie "I Think I Love My Wife", where he stays out all night partying with another woman. Chris returns home to find his wife sitting on the hallway steps. The normally mild mannered teacher, wife, and mother asks Chris with a straight face the exact question that would run through my head "Where the F*ck were you!?!?"

For some people, this kind of offense can be a deal breaker. When you are in a relationship in the same city, where you have grown accustomed to certain occurrences- deviation from those habits can reek havoc in your relationship. Whether you live together or spend most of your nights in your own respective units- the action of not coming home from a night of fun or simply not showing up as scheduled AND without notice- is offensive more in message than in action. Simply not showing up signals to women a blatant disregard for our feelings and a blatant disrespect for our relationship.

Lily Pad, Party of One?: Time to Join Something

One of the best ways to find out what like-minded individuals do in a new city is to find some like-minds. I began my hunt for places to go and people to meet there searching for groups and organizations geared toward the young professionals in my city. The local chapter of my alma mater's alumna association and Google were the first places I began my search. Most Colleges and Universities have local chapters of their alumni association and or booster groups that can be easily accessed through the school's website or with a phone call to the school's Office of Alumni Affairs.

After obtaining an email address for the local chapter of the alumna association, I reached out with a friendly but brief email stating my graduation year and that I was new to the area and would like to get involved. I hope you have more luck with this option than I did, because after a couple emails to the local chapter and one to a neighboring chapter within a few months time and an email to the Office of Alumnae Affairs I have yet to link up with or receive a return email for my fellow alum. *side eye* (Note: I wont mention the name of my beloved alma mater as I refuse to besmirch her good name.)
My Google search for 'Young Professionals-Orlando' yielded a number of promising leads and one gem I thought would be a real winner, Metropolitan Orlando Urban League Young Professionals (MOULYP). The Urban League Young Professionals functions within the Urban League Guild and can be found in a city near you with 100 affiliates nationwide. Geared toward young professionals ages 21-40, there are lots of people to interact with and learn from. The National ULYP initiatives include Economic Empowerment, Education & Youth Empowerment, Civic Engagement & Leadership Empowerment, Health & Quality of Life Empowerment and Civil Rights & Racial Justice Empowerment. These initiatives are fulfilled through the membership body and local communities.

Got Milk?

I've had several conversations as of late with a number of male friends who are disgusted with a phenomenon one so poinently coined "Wishful Thinking". According to these men, this is when women accept  a males low standard or set a low standard themselves for a relationship in the hopes of bagging the guy. Its the whole "if I do this, maybe he will like me."  This is not limited to sex, although this is cheifly where the divide exists. It usually involves a woman being intimate early in the relationship and later trying to establish a more substantive exchange after realising she cant live with the low standard she previously accepted. Rather than commanding (note: this is different from demanding) respect in the beginning, these women pigeon hole themselves and later ask for respect. Wishful Thinking? absolutely.

"People always revert to 'why would I buy the cow if I can get the milk for free' but thats not it. I was never going to buy the cow. There is milk in abundance. Yours isnt special, really, its just available. If I want to buy a cow I go shopping for a quality cow. If i want milk- I just wait for some to pop up" - anonymous Male Contributor

Finding a little Inspiration

The older I get (eek!), the more I have come to realise that with every door that is closed, another will be opened. We all have to go through dark places, do some things we thought we wouldn't, and make some tough decisions that all work toward our greater progress. When I decided 2010 was all about following my heart, I guess I didn't know that that would mean making a lot of hard choices. I kind of envisioned it as an adoption of a more "go with the flow" attitude that would lead me closer to realising my hearts desires. Instead, I have come to realize that  following my heart has been one of the HARDEST things Ive ever done. Ive kissed a lot of frogs, both professional and personal- but I now know that this comes with the territory.

I stay inspired by talking with mentors and family and through my faith. Even more, my peers keep showing up and showing out in this world, symbolizing to me that my dreams can too come true with a little elbow grease and prayer.

Going the Distance: The Rules of Engagement

Finding someone to share right now with (and maybe even forever) is a beautiful thing. Yes, I still believe in love and I pride myself on truly being YBL's(young black love's) biggest stan. As anyone who has ever been in love will tell you, having someone special to share your happiest moments- big and small- is really a remarkable thing. But, anyone who has ever loved someone within a serious relationship will tell you that it is not all chocolate hearts and gumdrop wishes. It is hard work! The labor of love is not for the meek at heart- sometimes we have to go in hands wrapped, gloves on, and ready for the battle of the century. Add a little distance into the equation and you will really find out what you are truly made of.

Some people believe that going long distance is the ultimate test; That if your love is real it will conquer all and that your relationship will come out better than it went in, if it is meant to be. I am hear to tell you that those famous longings were definitely made popular by someone who has never spent one day in an actual long distance relationship. There is some truth to the general idea, but the reality is that it really doesn't matter how real or strong or true your love is- long distance is not for everybody.

Come as you Are???

My grandmother always told me that no matter how much we had, I should always leave the house looking my best. She put a lot of value on presentation and though I have grown to learn that indeed you can not just dress a wolf in sheep's clothing, I have come to value the fine art of dressing for the occasion. I by no means want this to come off as some bourgeoisie tyrade regarding some elistist philosphy on appropriate attire. HOWEVER, it continues to be brought to my attention that dressing for the occasion is still not as common sense as I would like it to be- especially for our young women. I offer this rule of thumb as it was offered to me: Most often, there are 3 distinct occasions we dress for, with some gray areas and outliers. They are the three C's:Church, Club, and Casual.

Badge of Crazy or Badge of Honor?

While enjoying a perfectly uneventful Saturday with my iTunes on shuffle, one of my favorites, Jazmine Sullivan's 'In Love with Another Man' began to play. Intently listening to each lyric, my mind was flooded with thoughts and questions never before invoked by the song. Romantic comedies, romance novels, self help books and even this blog often encourage us to leap into the unknown and experience something new. What do you do when you're totally content being in the muddy pond in which you currently rest? Should you quit the job that makes you totally miserable even though the paycheck it provides allows you to do all the other things that make you ecstatic? And let's not forget about the man or woman in your life that does the very least and probably doesn't appreciate the things that make you totally fantastic, but you couldn't imagine life without him/her; are you really going to leave? If I lead you to believe I had the answer to any of these questions, I'm sorry to disappoint.

Throughout the song Jazmine makes comparisons between the man she is singing to and the man she is choosing instead of him. Judging by the lyrics the loser in the fight for her heart is apparently a really great guy with a lot going for him. Ironically, the victor is indeed a loser; he's mean, doesn't really have things together in the life department, and the listener can assume he doesn't treat the woman who loves him very well. Upon first listen anyone in their right mind would say Sullivan is undoubtedly trippin', HARD. However, if one truly listens, she acknowledges that her decision may be confusing to the "loser and others," she can not help it; she is crazy for, crazy about and crazy in love with a man who the world, and even she at times sees as a bum.

Hop on This: The Boyfriend Curse

It goes without saying that there are many things to enjoy about being in a committed relationship. We all know what those things are: affection, companionship...BLAHBLAHBLAH! But of course, there are some things that aren't as appealing. From navigating the murky waters of commitment to the actual process of learning to love efficiently- there are many things that can make relationships less than desirable. Lets talk about one, something I like to call "The Boyfriend Curse."

The Boyfriend Curse- advernoun; a dysfunction in social interaction usually indicated by some single males aversion to platonic interaction with taken ladies or women otherwise uninterested in sleeping with them.

This Spring...Hop over to 'Hong Kong'

OPI presents its Hong Kong themed Spring 2010 nail lacquers

OPI recently debuted their spring color collection and I must admit...I'M OBSESSED. The Hong Kong collection offers something for everyone with sheer tones, vibrant brights and deep hues. The weather might still be a little chilly but your hands will definitely look h-o-t! While I haven't picked up the entire collection I do have a few favorites. I've been wearing 'Jade is the New Black' for at least the past three weeks; I'll be breaking out 'Pearl of Wisdom' just in time for Easter Sunday and 'Hot & Spicy' is reserved for the first Saturday its warm enough to hit the beach. Take a look at the full collection below, I'm sure you'll find a color...or four to love.

                    From top left: Lucky Lucky Lavender, Jade is the New Black, Dim Sum Plum, Bling Dynasty, Hot & Spicy, Meet Me on the Star Ferry, A Good Man-darin is Hard to Find, Pearl of Wisdom, Suzi says Feng Shui, Chop Sticking to My Story, Panda-monium Pink, Red my Fortune Cookie

(Picture courtesy of BeautyEditor.ca)

Throw it in the Bag.

Several years ago, I went to a baby shower where they played "Whats in Mommy's Purse". For those unfamiliar, they gave a list of items that might (or might not) be found in the purse of a mommy. This list included the usual: gum, safety pins, and tissue and went on to include some not so common items, such as a curling iron, utility bill, and scissors. Each woman racked up points by creating a pile of items from their purse based on the checklist. I laughed at the woman who won thinking, "Wow, I think there is such a thing as being overprepared." A little women's college in Atlanta taught me that in fact, there is no such thing.

Of course, we cant go trekking the landscapes with everything AND the kitchen sink in our beautiful bags. Furthermore, I know we are all sick of seeing that tired sister with the "leather" bag far past its useful years, stretched to the brink with trash and unmentionables. I too, have been guilty of making some of my best bags, trash cans for loose paper, gum wrappers and the like. To help you out, I have come up with a list of essentials that will take the contents of any frog kisser and catcher's bag from trashy to efficient on your journey to far far away.

H.A.T.E.U.

Going through a tough break up can really try your personal resolve in ways you may have never imagined. Depending on the number of years invested, the transgression committed, or even the realization that the two of you just aren't going to work, can be a tough bite to swallow. No one likes feeling like they have failed- no one. There are so many emotions you go through in those first few weeks or months when you are newly released. The grieving process truly applies here like no other. Sometimes we are ready, so the steps are quick. In that instance, we are so OVER that individual, that we don't even realise we have gone through all of the different phases- its straight up "On-to-the-next...". Other times we are so broken, we can distinctly feel every single step of the way: the Denial and Isolation, the Anger, the Bargaining, the Depression, and then finally the breakthrough when we get to Acceptance.

If any one feels you, boo, I feel you. I had a tough break up a few years back- so tough I never actually made it to the last and final phase, Acceptance (truly another story for another time). But I can remember transitioning in and around those first 4 phases over and over again for nearly a year. It was truly an emotional roller coaster: Not believing we had really failed at something I wanted so much, then mad at her, then him, and finally mad at myself. I played stupid games with myself through the bargaining process, "Im only going to call him once today", "Baby, I just want to be with you, whatever that means", "I've decided, we cant talk anymore" (then calling him the next day). Girl, I was a total mess- (just so you know, I've been giving myself a MAJOR side eye as I recall some of those all too familiar feelings and delusions.) I distinctly remember the depression- not getting out of bed, not applying myself, staying away from friends. Every sad song that came on the radio made me think of him and sent me reeling into a perpetual and confusing cycle of denial, depression, poor reasoning, and even begging! Thank the Lord for deliverance! But sometimes, a special song would come on that old faithful ipod, giving me a glimmer of hope- some R&B crooner saying they weren't gonna cry, they were through with love because ain't no feeling like being free, etc.-- which helped me to get a little closer to recovery. Mariah Carey's most recent album, Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel has one such song that you should DEFINITELY get familiar with no matter your current relationship status.




"I can't wait to hate you/ make you, pain like i do.. /still can't shake you off.. /I can't wait to break through these emotional changes.. /seems like such a loss cause /I can't wait to face you, break you, down so low /there's no place left to go../ I cant wait to hate you..."

H.A.T.E.U. (abbreviation for Having A Typical Emotional Upset), the third song on the album, focuses on the Anger phase of the recovery process. Though Mimi places H.A.T.ing him further towards the end of the grief cycle- the sentiment is truly SPOT ON. All we really want to do when we have been hurt or left or have lost someone is to get to that point where you really just don't give a damn anymore. Mariah suggests that if she could just get to the point where she hates him, that maybe she can finally move on, but as long as she cares in the way she currently does- she can never be free. Ms. Mimi Cannon truly delivers with this one. Have a listen, I'm sure if you've ever been there, you will absolutely relate.

Lily Pad, Party of One?

For the last nine months I have been living, working and adjusting to life in Orlando with more than a little difficulty. Working for a small marketing agency provides me lots of opportunities for growth, advancement and travel. While I thoroughly enjoy life on the road, it can make life at home its own special brand of hell. From day one I was bombarded with a heavy travel schedule including lots of time in the city I previously called home, Atlanta. This said, I never took the time to tap into life in Orlando and now It has become a real problem. Now that my travel schedule has slowed down and work hours are confined to the weekdays (for a while) I find myself bored and lacking local acquaintances.

The sensible level-headed side of me says, "okay, Holly just go out and meet some people". [side note: It's a shame that this rational person only exists in my head and never translates into real life.] My immediate rebuttal is always "BY MYSELF?!?!" This constant back and forth with myself about venturing out alone led me to the very obvious question...Why do women travel in packs? No seriously, why do we feel like we must activate the buddy system in 95.5% of life's situations while men more often than not have NO problem going out alone? It's nothing to see a guy alone at a bar, club or any social environment, seeing a woman do this is an anomaly and we are even labeled such things as desperate, a free shot and dare I say cougar.

I would venture to say it has everything to do with the way we are socialized. Little girls are taught the 'safety in numbers' mantra while men are taught...? As an adolescent/teenager it was so much easier to get my mother to agree to anything I was proposing as long as I added a few familiar names/faces to the equation. So what started out as a successful bargaining tactic has become a crutch in my twenties. How do we get over what I like to refer to as the "homegirl crutch"? How do I unlearn a coping mechanism it has taken almost two decades to perfect? Living sans my "homegirl crutches" (yes I have more than one) has led to some critical self discovery. I've always thought of myself as such an outgoing person, but without my homegirl crutch I am in fact shy and dare I say...timid. To compare myself with my crutches to myself without my homegirls would be like comparing a super hero to a mere mortal. I quake at the sight "Super" Holly's shadow.

The challenge now is to regain all the things I love about "Super" Holly without the presence of my lovely "homegirl crutches". I'm pretty sure this is much easier said than done but I'm going to give it a try anyway. Step One: Identifying good places to go or events that pique my interest. Keep an eye open for my adventures in living without my "homegirl crutches" in the series entitled "Lily Pad Party of One?"

Take a Leap, Land that Job

All of us have been drinking the koolaid that told us that life was relatively simple: go to college, get a job, be happy. Nobody told us that the "get the job" part would be a perpetual whirlwind of heart wrenching decision making, leaps of faith, failure, victories, and maybe a little teenny bit of fulfillment (if you are lucky). Personally, I had it all planned out. For the recent graduates I know you can relate. For the soon-to-be freed students, BEWARE!

Like many of us, I went to a good school and then another good school and got a smart job and starting settling into the to and fro of life as a young professional. I can remember as a teen saying I'd never be a person who worked a job that I hated and that I'd be strong enough to always follow my dreams. The truth is that a chick's got bills, and as time continues to teach me, adulthood is less and less the cake walk of freedom and goodies I expected. So I settled into a job that I quickly realized didn't fulfill me and tried my best to be a good employee. The fact is that at some point we all have to make the tough choices that often accompany following your heart. The thought is actually quite interesting in and of itself. To follow your heart you must relinquish some sense of security. To follow, one definition states, is the act of accepting the guidance, command, or the leadership of someone or something, such as the heart. So I decided to do just that, and quickly realized that when God is leading you in a certain direction doors unimagined will open up (I got a praise somebody). Here are some helpful hints if you are contemplating a career move:

1. Make a list of all the things you want in your new position. Having clarity will help u better channel your energy and attention towards an opportunity that really meet your needs. Once u know what those needs are you are much more equipped to have them met.

2. Leave no rock unturned. Explore the many possibilities of your new or future industry. Have some investigational interviews with successful people in your field, preferably someone older who can give a better perspective on the many facets of your industry. As some of you may not know- there is so much more to education than teaching and even more to Finance than Wall Street. Do your homework

3. Take a chance. Sometimes we aren't so sure we know what we have wished for, when it appears to us and the possibilities of venturing into the unknown can be all too much. Remember that, this is what u wanted- so when the opportunity arises be open to the possibilities. Get poised on that old lily pad of yesteryear and take a bold leap into your future. With preparation and faith, you will not regret it.

Don't lose yourself- find yourself in love

For the girlfriends and boyfriends out there (and everyone in between): there are many things that I have learned over the years, and through the ups and downs of being in a relationship with another highly independent person. Many of the things I've learned center on my own growth and what I bring to companionship with another individual. Even more, I've learned that it cannot be said enough that in order for you to be the best you can in a relationship with another person, you really need to have gotten some things hammered out to be the best you can in your first relationship, the one you have with yourself.

Go with me for a moment. The person with the most invested and the least amount of personal independence is always the most vulnerable in a relationship. If god forbid things don't work out with you and "the one", how devastated will you be not so much because of love lost, but because you don't have a life without the person? And honestly if you're not married ( and maybe if you are) and you don't have a life in addition to that person(not to be confused with a double life) you may just have already lost yourself. I don't know about men, but for women we're so predisposed to falling into this "trap" because of our nuturing nature-- but true to form I come with that yesteryear/ new age perspective that says, we can very much do and be both of these-- nuture the other person while also preserving ourselves.

Sometimes as boyfriends and girlfriends we invest so much into others that we begin to loose ourselves, we forget what it was that made us happy before we met the other person-- the kinds of things we did to fill our time as single people. Often it becomes all about the other person and we link our own happiness so closely to another that we forget how to be happy all by our damn selves. Honestly, this is something I struggle with regularly. Now don't get me wrong. As a self proclaimed ride-or-die chick, I'm all about you doing and giving your best self to your relationship and your significant other, but what I continue to learn is that in my relationship with a driven, focused, and independent individual who has a life- I am always more attractive when I have a life as well.

Do you feel like you're always calling the other person, that they are always busy, and don't have enough time for you? Have you considered that if you did something to make u happy, you might not even notice the dearth of activity in your inbox or call log? This is not to say that it is not critical that you and your significant other prioritize each other and put your best energy into your relationship, but it is to say that you are still two individuals who have CHOSEN to be joined together BUT that YOU still exist in all of YOUR splendor. Start something to keep and make u a better person- join a book club, start a blog ;), volunteer. Believe me, Destiny's Child (RIP) said it best in the Writings on the Wall: thumbs down to the bug-a-boo. It doesn't make you happy, and being a bug DEFINITELY doesn't help you grow. In reality that significant other should really be helping you find your best self. So see that extra space as an opportunity to take some time for you.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I urge you for the longevity of your relationships; don't forget about yourself when you partner with another person. Of course don't just take your lady or man for granted, the truth is, they may not always be there. By all means, let them know you are thinking about them and care. But if you find yourself always trying to get a hold of somebody who seems just to busy with all their business, it might mean u need to get some business of your own. I promise that when you do, you will notice the difference immediately. I know for a fact that all the good men I know are looking for that lady who has her own- and this doesn't have to mean total financial security, a car, a house, etc. Its very much about having passion and focus of your own. Let's not confuse this with what Lil Boosie talked about in his song. The independence I'm talking about is definitely the new sexy. And its always the best look on me.

Valentine's Day: The Love(r's) Holiday

As yet another Valentine’s Day has come and gone; I have been able to draw one simple but very important conclusion, I might even venture to call this conclusion life changing. Before I change your life, I have to give you a little back story; at the age of 23 I have never had a romantic Valentine. In my younger years I wore black on what I believed to be a cursed holiday for me. I was so hung up on the fact that I didn’t have that special man friend to share “the most romantic day of the year” with that I missed out on all the possibilities. I did not allow this same pattern to follow me into my college years and beyond. For at least the past six years I have been following the mantra of the ever so popular Real World New Orleans cast member Julie, “You don’t have to be in love on Valentines Day, you just have to have love”. Julie got the big picture, unlike me in years past and some friends and peers currently.

While anyone who is special to me will tell you, I tell them how much I love and appreciate them way too much, Valentines Day provides each of us with the opportunity to celebrate all the love we have rather than that small bit of love we think we're missing. Now I won’t play like I wouldn’t love to have a special guy to spend V-day with, but not having said special guy is not going to ruin my life or even February 14th. Every year I embrace all the love I'm blessed to have in my life by making sure to have a wonderful day with one of the many special people in my life, and it is always a memorable event. In the past six years I’ve cooked dinner had movie night with my mother and little sister, seen a play with good friends, played Valentine to a friend dealing with a difficult break up and spent the evening with a very special “Fall Boo”. None of these activities had any romantic undertones, but were excellent experiences nonetheless.

Ladies and gentleman, if you spent Valentine’s Day 2010 alone or called yourself boycotting or sad under a rock…shake it off! You have an entire year to get on the" give love when not IN love bandwagon". We reap what we sow, if we want to feel loved and receive love we must first learn to spread a little. You won't find me on my lily pad watching life and love pass me by; I'm in the game and enjoying almost every minute!

When was the last time you Kissed a Frog?

Welcome to Kissing Frogs... Love's Lyric and Holly GoLightly's chronicles of the charmed Life, Love, Laughs, and Leaps as we champion the 20-somethings. We hope that you find something to love and share in KFdiaries. As you continue on your journey to find your special Once Upon a Time, the perfect castle, companions, clothes, and of course Prince Charming, we hope that you will share in our journey to Happily Ever After as well! Enjoy!

Take a Leap and start Kissing Frogs with us on Monday, March 1st, 2010!!!!!