Going the Distance: Officially missing you...

I feel like such a negative Nancy writing posts for the Going the Distance series. I really wish I had something good to say. But I really don't. Not because my relationship is bad, but because long distance in and of itself is just bad. It just is. If you can avoid it, avoid it. Its the necessary evil that I'm dealing with right now to get to where I want to be. I won't sugar coat it: LOVE him, HATE it. The worst part is the mean case of the lonelys I'm always struggling with. So having the chance to tell someone, anyone, all about it is pretty therapeutic. Bare with me while I lay on the counseling couch.

Missing someone is a terribly complicated emotion that manifests itself in many different actions and reactions. Namely, it can turn you into a bonafide, buy some mace, get the restraining order PSYCHO gf. Like seriously, Ive always had a few stalker tendencies stemming from my ever present need to be bossy in control. I cant help it. I am quite impulsive when it comes to the people I care about. Further, when all the other emotions get mixed into the ones that come from longing for the companionship of a specific individual, boundaries for acceptable behavior are sure to be crossed. Lets take this for example:

I called him. He didn't answer. I hung up. I called back. He didn't answer. I called back. I hung up. I told myself to wait for his call. I texted. I bbm'd. I called the house. I called the friend. I called him. He didn't answer. I hung up...

Like, why? Why would I ever stalk someone. He has Caller ID. He knows I called. And if he hasn't called back he CLEARLY must be doing something. Now I have caller's remorse and I look like a fool when he calls back in a panic to make sure everything is ok and all I have to say is, "I just wanted to say hey." The worst part is that since I'm being a pyscho, I have now set precedent for my pyscho ways. Now when the phone rings off the hook, there is no fear of emergency- Its just me being a raging lunatic- as usual.

Im learning that in this whole thing called "long distance love" you really have to learn to play the game in a whole new way. Which is REALLY hard for me to coordinate with my usual  ride-or-die schema. Long distance puts all of that on hold and forces you to be the best you can with unfamiliar and extremely abstract expectations. Nobody knows the rules for long distance- the acceptable number of calls to be placed before worry sets in, the exact number of visits required, etc. You just kind of play as you go and you have to decide what works best for you. Misguided longings are a necessary evil- he has to understand that too. I dont mean it, I just havent figured out a better way yet. In the meantime, you're going to have to excuse my apparent lunacy. Chalk it up to: I just miss you.