#shade

"Every saints got a past and every sinner's got a future"

I've spent a lot of time and energy hating people. Loyalty has been both my greatest and worst quality. For a long time, I saw my interactions with people in two specific categories: With me OR Against me. I'm sure many people can relate. I still sort of see it that way. My categorizing stemmed from a constant need as a child to be a pleaser. I always wanted everyone to be happy and often compromised myself to that end. It was hard for me to understand that EVERYONE wasn't my friend. I forgave people so easily and it usually ended with me being hurt. There was a particular point in my life where I decided I should compromise myself no longer and therefore it became necessary to group my acquaintances to help me be the best person that I could be.

My new found independence served me well in many situations and it definitely helped me learn about the kind of company I wanted to keep. However, this soon evolved into holding grudges. It was very simple. Once you betrayed me, we were done. Big or small, I didn't mess with you and I let it be known. And I would NOT forget. From a personal slight to my friends-friends-friend didn't like you - whatever the offense, my 'sh*t list' was extensive. The energy expended maintaining it hurt me more than it hurt them.

As I've gotten older, I've allowed myself to change and be flexible. I've realised that my relationships should be somewhat the same. Just as I am dynamic, I should allow others to have the room to progress in my understanding of who they are. I'm learning to allow people who have hurt me to be dynamic creatures- if they choose to prove themselves as such. This basically means: I'm not going to spend my energy being mad at you for something you did 3 years ago, when you were possibly a different person than you are today. Does this mean forgive and forget? Absolutely not. I am just adopting a perspective that helps me be a happier and more accepting person.

So where do these people go? Oh they still go on the 'Sh*t list'- Appendix A. I'm just not about to spend a whole bunch of time hating you because honestly you don't matter.  At this point nothing you have done has contributed to my happiness, so I should give you the same amount of passion you have given me. I'm not about to tell people how much I cant stand you or avoid going to places I like because you might be there. I'm not going to let your presence ruin my evening or spend countless conversations rehashing why you are the bootsyest person on earth. You just are who you are and I have to accept that and move on. I'm not about to get mad every time I see your name in my twitter timeline. I will not go into convulsions at the simple mention of your name in the similar company we keep.

"When you hold a grudge, you block your blessing"

I'm definitely a work in progress on learning how to not spend unnecessary energy throwing shade.(But I reserve the right to throw a #sideeye whenever I please) I'm just all about not blocking my blessings these days. I have too much I want to accomplish to spend valuable energy being mad at somebody else. Plus, when I see other people who seem to not like anybody- it is the most unattractive quality I've ever been exposed to. Nobody likes that person, nobody wants to talk to that person because all they have is something negative to say about somebody else. Sometimes, we just have to let stuff go so that we can grow.