Don't lose yourself- find yourself in love

For the girlfriends and boyfriends out there (and everyone in between): there are many things that I have learned over the years, and through the ups and downs of being in a relationship with another highly independent person. Many of the things I've learned center on my own growth and what I bring to companionship with another individual. Even more, I've learned that it cannot be said enough that in order for you to be the best you can in a relationship with another person, you really need to have gotten some things hammered out to be the best you can in your first relationship, the one you have with yourself.

Go with me for a moment. The person with the most invested and the least amount of personal independence is always the most vulnerable in a relationship. If god forbid things don't work out with you and "the one", how devastated will you be not so much because of love lost, but because you don't have a life without the person? And honestly if you're not married ( and maybe if you are) and you don't have a life in addition to that person(not to be confused with a double life) you may just have already lost yourself. I don't know about men, but for women we're so predisposed to falling into this "trap" because of our nuturing nature-- but true to form I come with that yesteryear/ new age perspective that says, we can very much do and be both of these-- nuture the other person while also preserving ourselves.

Sometimes as boyfriends and girlfriends we invest so much into others that we begin to loose ourselves, we forget what it was that made us happy before we met the other person-- the kinds of things we did to fill our time as single people. Often it becomes all about the other person and we link our own happiness so closely to another that we forget how to be happy all by our damn selves. Honestly, this is something I struggle with regularly. Now don't get me wrong. As a self proclaimed ride-or-die chick, I'm all about you doing and giving your best self to your relationship and your significant other, but what I continue to learn is that in my relationship with a driven, focused, and independent individual who has a life- I am always more attractive when I have a life as well.

Do you feel like you're always calling the other person, that they are always busy, and don't have enough time for you? Have you considered that if you did something to make u happy, you might not even notice the dearth of activity in your inbox or call log? This is not to say that it is not critical that you and your significant other prioritize each other and put your best energy into your relationship, but it is to say that you are still two individuals who have CHOSEN to be joined together BUT that YOU still exist in all of YOUR splendor. Start something to keep and make u a better person- join a book club, start a blog ;), volunteer. Believe me, Destiny's Child (RIP) said it best in the Writings on the Wall: thumbs down to the bug-a-boo. It doesn't make you happy, and being a bug DEFINITELY doesn't help you grow. In reality that significant other should really be helping you find your best self. So see that extra space as an opportunity to take some time for you.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I urge you for the longevity of your relationships; don't forget about yourself when you partner with another person. Of course don't just take your lady or man for granted, the truth is, they may not always be there. By all means, let them know you are thinking about them and care. But if you find yourself always trying to get a hold of somebody who seems just to busy with all their business, it might mean u need to get some business of your own. I promise that when you do, you will notice the difference immediately. I know for a fact that all the good men I know are looking for that lady who has her own- and this doesn't have to mean total financial security, a car, a house, etc. Its very much about having passion and focus of your own. Let's not confuse this with what Lil Boosie talked about in his song. The independence I'm talking about is definitely the new sexy. And its always the best look on me.