Going the Distance: You didnt come home last night.

You have a perfectly good relationship. Everything appears to be going in the right direction. He is considerate. You are attentive. You share many special moments. And then the unthinkable happens. He doesnt come home.

Thinking about this my mind automatically goes to a scene in Chris Rock's movie "I Think I Love My Wife", where he stays out all night partying with another woman. Chris returns home to find his wife sitting on the hallway steps. The normally mild mannered teacher, wife, and mother asks Chris with a straight face the exact question that would run through my head "Where the F*ck were you!?!?"

For some people, this kind of offense can be a deal breaker. When you are in a relationship in the same city, where you have grown accustomed to certain occurrences- deviation from those habits can reek havoc in your relationship. Whether you live together or spend most of your nights in your own respective units- the action of not coming home from a night of fun or simply not showing up as scheduled AND without notice- is offensive more in message than in action. Simply not showing up signals to women a blatant disregard for our feelings and a blatant disrespect for our relationship.

So what happens when you live 3,000 miles apart and you have no way of knowing what the person is or isnt doing at any given moment? The telephone becomes an incredible tool as well as a crutch. In my situation the phone has become my second home. Its the way I make sure that everything is ok, show my love, make my presence instantly felt. I dont need the cardinal offense of him to not show up from a long night of partying with the boys to send me over the edge. He wasnt coming home anyhow becuase he cant. But there is an equivalent offence that sends many long distance lover's over the edge. Its when they dont call before bed, fall asleep without a ring, let the charge go out of the battery or simply forget to pick up the phone that can hurl us into the kind of whirlwind questions I think I would have if my man didnt show up after a long night of partying with friends: Are you ok? What happened?, Why wasnt I important enough for you to contact?,If you're not with me- then who are you with?!?!? and my personal favorite, "Where the F*ck were you?!!?.

Some [men] might think that being required to call EVERY SINGLE night is overkill. Especially if you talk all day anyway. Im willing to extend the benefit of doubt that in normal situations where you see the person regularly it is ok- SOMETIMES. But when you are really far apart, and digital interaction is all that you have- one missed opportunity to express your virtual affection can be devastating. Where you may have already had insecurities, you become totally unsure with any dearth of correspondence. And for this reason, long distance usually works better for independent and highly secure people. However, it works even better for people who recognize weakness in their partner and can make adjustments that serve to help secure any uncertainty. This is where the little things can make all the difference. Sending that one text to say "Hey, I made it home" can change a restless night into peaceful slumber. I feel like it could all be so simple, but they'd rather make it hard....(has anyone seen Lauryn Hill?)

Check back for more with Going the Distance. Next week,  The Digital Divide.