Your Ex, My Treasure

As an avid vintage and thrift store shopper, I realize the potential  left in things that have been discarded. Every season, I create a giveaway and a throw away bin. Items in the giveaway bin are things that are still in great condition, they just no longer fit my style or my body. Items in the throw away bin are quite different, these items have no doubt seen their best days, and now those days are far behind them. These items have nothing left to give me so they must be given to the garbage. People in our lives can be put in the same categories with one addition, the 'keep forever bin', simply called keepers. Some friends are around forever, and you may recognize this as soon as you meet or a month or even a year down the line, but the fact is, this person isn't going anywhere. All family members fit into this category by default no matter how much you may wish you could give them away or, better yet, throw them away. But what about the people that end up in the giveaway and throw away bins? Do we still have claims on them?

People that fall into these areas usually do so for the same reasons as clothes. Some friends, boyfriends and boo thangs just do not make the cut; they just don't fit in with your life plan, and in some cases you're carelessness has caused them to jump in there themselves. These people, like clothes, may have worked for you at one time but they just don't anymore. Or maybe, they never worked but you kept hoping that one day they would. What do you do when one of your keepers and one of your discards lock eyes? That's right, your trash and your treasure have found value in each other, without you in the middle. I know it's an unwritten rule that under no circumstances do you date your friend's exes; when they're done with them, you're supposed to be done with them too. However, I think this rule is actually antiquated and extremely flawed.

The older I get, the smaller the world gets. This is evidenced on Facebook, by merely taking a look at the mutual friends box showing your connection to complete strangers. Now imagine attending an all-girl school with strong ties to a particular all-male school, both of which are historically Black institutions. It is impossible for you to meet someone with ties to either institution and not have a friend or two in common, no matter when you graduated. These things coupled with the instant interconnectivity social networking provides, makes it nearly impossible for all of your friends to be totally done with your giveaways and throw aways as soon as you are.

When I was younger, I used to hold grudges and wipe my hands of people who not only hurt me, but my friends, just for the sake of loyalty. What a waste of energy. We are adults. We can fight our own battles without our friends devoting their valuable energy to hating someone for us. This is true for all relationships too, especially the romantic ones.

Any guy or girl that has been in the life of one of my friends for a period of time has undoubtedly been in my company on several occasions, especially if they dated during our college years. It is safe to say we have probably shared at least one meal, gone to the club together, had drinks and just kicked it. I have probably developed a platonic relationship with this person merely through group outings, and if I hung out with them repeatedly it's safe to say I like them (not to be confused with like-liking them). So why on Earth would I exile someone who has never given me any cause to do such a thing? It's simple, I wouldn't. We can always be friends until he personally gives me a reason not to be. But what if those friendly feelings and common interests developed into something more? Can your friend pull something out of your discard bins and ask to have it? Would you give it to them?

I say yes and yes. If I was giving it away or throwing it away I wasn't planing on using it anymore so, why not? Before I give the impression that I'm super evolved or totally lying, let me clarify. If it's in one of the two discard bins, it's there for a reason and a good reason at that. I don't giveaway/throw away clothes without serious consideration, so I definitely don't discard people without at least the same dedicated thought. There are reasons this person can't be in my life or I can't be in his; Either we were all wrong from the start, too much has happened, or we just can't make it work. The reasons don't matter just as long as there IS a reason. But I want to be VERY clear, timing is EVERYTHING when it comes to claiming something in my discard bins! I don't want you asking if you can have my dress or my ex as soon as I gesture towards the throw away pile. And you're definitely going to look suspect if you've never even acted like you liked him as a person or kicked it with him prior to our relationship ending and now you're instantly buddy-buddy.

The way I see it, just because that dress is too long for my small stature doesn't mean it wont look absolutely fabulous on my long legged friend. The same is true for exes. Just because that guy is too critical and sarcastic for you, doesn't mean he isn't absolutely perfect for your friend. It is unfair that your throw aways have to cease to exist in the lives of your friends just because you two dated and found out you were wrong for each other.

Our trash could in fact in our friend's treasure, as long as you ask first!