Disclaimer: If you looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, its an Hword.
We have all heard the stories about the plight of single black women, the perpetually lonely female stereotype, that has become all too familiar in recent years. Every news outlet and relationship guru has taken a crack at trying to figure out just why it is Black females cant seem to catch a break when it comes to love and relationships. Whether you buy into either side of the divide, there has been a third side that hasn't been thoroughly investigated. And while some might see this perspective as pure foolywang (maybe it is), it has come to my attention that I must be silent no more as the tom-eff-ery is at an all time high. So humor me for a bit.
It is spring time and love is truly in the air. And as I survey the prospects of my inner and outer circles it is apparent that there are some semblances of progress towards restoring Black love. However, experiences of the last few days have led me to believe three facts: Hwords are waging a war. Hwords are winning. Hwords must be stopped.
If you want to know why Black women are having such a hard time getting into substantive relationships, do not blame improved professional and educational trajectories, shortages in eligible bachelors, or rampant disease and devastation. It is not undercover brothers or the gout that's got us losing. Blame Hwords. Yes, I said it. Hwords by design, are straying the market value of integrity, modesty, and dare I say it, self respect. In this new market, smuts and tramps are monopolizing the industry, where rachetness is the only relevant currency. So here I am, trying to buy American assets with Somolian Shillings. What I am selling, few are buying.
I originally made the mistake of thinking that Hwords were the exception to the rule. I thought they were just a relatively minute sect of degenerates living in their own lawless modern day Sodom and Gommorah. But, Oh contrare. Hwords are everywhere. Hide your kids, Hide your wife. They are in your inner circle. They follow you on twitter. They sit next to you in church. Lawless women who have over estimated the power of their hotladyboxes and decided that they will stay relevant BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. By hook or crook. By hook or crook. Newsflash: being a Hword will not get you a good man or strong relationship. Being an Hword just makes it that much harder for everybody else to get/keep one.
What really burns my biscuits is that Hwords have the audacity to believe that what they do has no impact on anyone other than themselves, which is totally false. You being a duck effects us all. Everytime you do something slutatious you make it that much harder for the next woman to garner respect from said individual. Everytime you let somebody talk to you like a plum fool, you make it that much harder for the next woman to be taken seriously. This world is all about the quick, fast, and easy. Nobody wants to put in work for anything. If he can have it 'easy' with you, why would he want to work for me? And don't give me that 'men should have higher standards' bull. Men are lazy, simple creatures of habit. And they will respond to the standards of the environment in which they exist. It is up to us to set those expectations and then live up to it.
Understanding the ripple effect of said sloredom, will help put in perspective the true plight of black women. Hwords are raging genocide on respectable Black men and women with the lust of their loins and ignorance. Hwords are killing the black family. You have been warned.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Untitled.
I hate the term bored. I hate to hear someone say that they are bored. Boredom is idiocy. The dumbest thing to ever come out of a person's mouth is, I'm bored. Nobody likes bored people because bored people are boring. They lack the presumed innate intelligence to make something happen in their lives when the automaticity of life's events encounters a temporary halt. They do not know how to be dynamic and the laws of attraction are necessarily voided by the bored person's inability to bring activity to themselves. Boredom is a self-perpetuating cycle that really only the bored person can break. If you cant make something happen for yourself and instead just sit around talking about how wack things are, you sound dumb...as hell. And while I sat on my couch yesterday, looking around listlessly at my phone, the empty seat next to me, the rerun on the television, my empty refrigerator, I shocked myself letting out a long melodramatic sigh and before I thinking twice the phrase left my lips.... I'm Bored.
Every once in a while I find myself in one of these funks where I just do'nt feel engaged by anything happening in my life. The triggers for this deluge are many. Sometimes it lasts but a day, a few hours. Other times I can go on for up to a week in my slump. Most often my exit from restlessness takes the form of wanton crackhead-esque cleaning and organizing of all things in my life. And once I feel, 'settled' I am suddenly back to my old self again.
A friend, in an attempt to help me break the stronghold this case of the melancholies had one me, asked a few probing questions. What would make me feel better? A vacation to somewhere exotic, going back to school, a hobby? And then he said the words that nearly sent me reeling... A man? ....A boo? Did. I. need. a. man?
After answering with a quick line to avoid blaming my sad state on singleness alone, I reread the last option he offered nearly twenty times. Had it truly come down to this one factor in my life? Had the grips of boredom finally taken me all the way over to the land of ridiculous? Have I really become the SAD, single, black female?
While I have to admit that I am coming off of a binge of unfulfilling whirl-wind dating, I could not believe that my boredom had totally come down to the fact that I didn't have a man. I mean, how sad does that sound? How stupid is that? But if I dig really deep to think about what it is I am truly missing in my life, I cannot wholly deny that having a companion wouldn't have the potential to make an impact. I mean, who doesn't want someone around that they can hang out with, trust, find comfort, and all that other stuff? I just don't do single well. I know how to do attached. I know how to give it all to someone else. And here lies my damn problem. I love being in Love. And though I can admit to missing a specific companion at times, the unfortunate love of being in love is an all too familiar sickness to those who sympathize with my present feeling of perpetual stagnation.
So many women, and even a few men suffer from a love of Love. And unfortunately it rarely ends positively. Love of Love often causes women to get into relationships that don't and wont ever meet their expectations. Love of Love finds men at the butt of jokes while their 'lover' shows off the pics and emoticon riddled texts their current level of b*tchassness facilitates. We give up way to much when we love Love. Loving Love is dismal, dead-end. And like boredom, it just makes us look dumb. As cliche as it sounds, we would all be a lot better off if we could just figure out how to be alone.
Personally, this is an ever-present battle as I am both addicted to love and friendship. I just hate being by myself. I've lived most of my life as an only child, and while it would seem natural to enjoy solitude, only in recent months have a learned to 'psuedo' be alone. In reality, Ive never really let myself be TOTALLY by myself. If I don't have a date, I'm hanging or talking with a friend. However, I recognize that learning to be by myself is critical to finally encountering and maintaining my best self. Like seriously, if you don't even want to be with yourself, who else will? If you cant stand you for more than a few hours, how do you expect to be with someone for a few months, years, or even forever? I suppose most of the answer to this problem lies in me being a big little girl and just getting it the hell together.
Some people have a problem initiating but throwing myself into something and someone new has become my worst enemy. I'm standing in the mirror, trying desperately to figure out how to just deal with plain old me for a change, and I'm bored to tears.
Every once in a while I find myself in one of these funks where I just do'nt feel engaged by anything happening in my life. The triggers for this deluge are many. Sometimes it lasts but a day, a few hours. Other times I can go on for up to a week in my slump. Most often my exit from restlessness takes the form of wanton crackhead-esque cleaning and organizing of all things in my life. And once I feel, 'settled' I am suddenly back to my old self again.
A friend, in an attempt to help me break the stronghold this case of the melancholies had one me, asked a few probing questions. What would make me feel better? A vacation to somewhere exotic, going back to school, a hobby? And then he said the words that nearly sent me reeling... A man? ....A boo? Did. I. need. a. man?
After answering with a quick line to avoid blaming my sad state on singleness alone, I reread the last option he offered nearly twenty times. Had it truly come down to this one factor in my life? Had the grips of boredom finally taken me all the way over to the land of ridiculous? Have I really become the SAD, single, black female?
While I have to admit that I am coming off of a binge of unfulfilling whirl-wind dating, I could not believe that my boredom had totally come down to the fact that I didn't have a man. I mean, how sad does that sound? How stupid is that? But if I dig really deep to think about what it is I am truly missing in my life, I cannot wholly deny that having a companion wouldn't have the potential to make an impact. I mean, who doesn't want someone around that they can hang out with, trust, find comfort, and all that other stuff? I just don't do single well. I know how to do attached. I know how to give it all to someone else. And here lies my damn problem. I love being in Love. And though I can admit to missing a specific companion at times, the unfortunate love of being in love is an all too familiar sickness to those who sympathize with my present feeling of perpetual stagnation.
So many women, and even a few men suffer from a love of Love. And unfortunately it rarely ends positively. Love of Love often causes women to get into relationships that don't and wont ever meet their expectations. Love of Love finds men at the butt of jokes while their 'lover' shows off the pics and emoticon riddled texts their current level of b*tchassness facilitates. We give up way to much when we love Love. Loving Love is dismal, dead-end. And like boredom, it just makes us look dumb. As cliche as it sounds, we would all be a lot better off if we could just figure out how to be alone.
Personally, this is an ever-present battle as I am both addicted to love and friendship. I just hate being by myself. I've lived most of my life as an only child, and while it would seem natural to enjoy solitude, only in recent months have a learned to 'psuedo' be alone. In reality, Ive never really let myself be TOTALLY by myself. If I don't have a date, I'm hanging or talking with a friend. However, I recognize that learning to be by myself is critical to finally encountering and maintaining my best self. Like seriously, if you don't even want to be with yourself, who else will? If you cant stand you for more than a few hours, how do you expect to be with someone for a few months, years, or even forever? I suppose most of the answer to this problem lies in me being a big little girl and just getting it the hell together.
Some people have a problem initiating but throwing myself into something and someone new has become my worst enemy. I'm standing in the mirror, trying desperately to figure out how to just deal with plain old me for a change, and I'm bored to tears.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Relationship Test
Once a year we are given a unique opportunity to learn valuable lessons about the relationships we have built during the previous year. Yes there are other opportunities but I'm only focusing on the one that comes every year without fail. Every year on my birthday I learn who is really down for the Holly G. cause. It's really simple, the people who love you, the people who want the best for you, the people you SHOULD consider your team will always, always show up for you. Now life gets crazy so they may not physically be there but if they're really down for team YOU there presence will most definitely be felt.
Some may say, 'Why, birthdays shouldn't your team always be there'? Well of course. However, the truth is on a day to day we only need ourselves and God to make it happen. Your support system is there to get you through the rough patches, to remind you you can do it, that how they got the support system title. I honestly believe it is easier to find a rider when you're going through a rough patch- everyone wants to be someone's everything/savior/captain save a hoe. How many people will be there when everything is just fine, just to celebrate you? The realest of real will show up when its all about you, to make sure that it is in fact ALL ABOUT YOU (at least for that day). They will smile and laugh, bite their tongues when you get to drunk and start cursing everyone out or to make you forget about all the people proved they were not down for team you.
This level of love and friendship requires more than a kind word, it requires an unselfish heart and a little thoughtful dedication. When I think back to the past few birthdays there are some consistent figures that have made it truly special whether they were sitting right next to me while I blew out the candles or sent their love and positive vibes from hundreds of miles away. This observation has also urged me to call some relationships into question and make the necessary adjustments. At this point in our lives we do not have time to carry dead weight. The next time you blow those candles out take a little inventory.
Some may say, 'Why, birthdays shouldn't your team always be there'? Well of course. However, the truth is on a day to day we only need ourselves and God to make it happen. Your support system is there to get you through the rough patches, to remind you you can do it, that how they got the support system title. I honestly believe it is easier to find a rider when you're going through a rough patch- everyone wants to be someone's everything/savior/captain save a hoe. How many people will be there when everything is just fine, just to celebrate you? The realest of real will show up when its all about you, to make sure that it is in fact ALL ABOUT YOU (at least for that day). They will smile and laugh, bite their tongues when you get to drunk and start cursing everyone out or to make you forget about all the people proved they were not down for team you.
This level of love and friendship requires more than a kind word, it requires an unselfish heart and a little thoughtful dedication. When I think back to the past few birthdays there are some consistent figures that have made it truly special whether they were sitting right next to me while I blew out the candles or sent their love and positive vibes from hundreds of miles away. This observation has also urged me to call some relationships into question and make the necessary adjustments. At this point in our lives we do not have time to carry dead weight. The next time you blow those candles out take a little inventory.
Just a little something for my team!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thoughts Before a Quarter Century
As a child I remember thinking about what 25 was going to look and I will confess, the 25 of my childhood dreams looked absolutely nothing like this. I just knew I would be engaged to some great guy, finishing up medical school (yes, I was going to be a doctor once upon a childhood) and everything would be close to perfect. After all I was going to be an adult and life is really easy and cookie cutter like as an adult. Sike. The truth is I am a far cry from all of those things, especially the everything being close to perfect part.
At almost 25 my life is complicated and full of uncertainty. I find myself single, unemployed and back home with mom. What a way to start the next quarter century, huh? I'm not having a pity party, I am merely acknowledging the major facts. These major facts have lead my to a major conclusion that I will use to govern my life for at least the next quarter century. Life doesn't always follow the plans we make. I know is seems really simple but I think we take this small nugget of truth for granted more often than not.
This time last year I had a high stress job that left little time for a personal life while I lived in Orlando, but it was a job I loved 80 percent of the time so it was totally cool. This year, I have a thriving personal life and while my relationship status is unchanged I'm actually dating someone pretty great. The economy snatched my high stress job away, and that was a tough pill to swallow, but pill swallowed. Life goes on.
Through it all there are a few things that have been steadfast. I have a wonderful and supportive family, amazing friends and unshakable faith. These are the factors that have kept me stable when everything in me was wanting to fall apart. Life doesn't always follow the plans we make, but that's not our problem, life is doing what it's supposed to do- make us better. We have to do our part and keep planning, be ready to readjust and enjoy the ride.
Friday, February 11, 2011
REPOST: Valentine's Day: The Love(r's) Holiday
This was the first post we ever published on the blog and since we're in the last few days leading up to the holiday I thought it was only fitting to repost it. Keep the faith and have a fantastic weekend/holiday!
As yet another Valentine’s Day has come and gone; I have been able to draw one simple but very important conclusion, I might even venture to call this conclusion life changing. Before I change your life, I have to give you a little back story; at the age of 23 I have never had a romantic Valentine. In my younger years I wore black on what I believed to be a cursed holiday for me. I was so hung up on the fact that I didn’t have that special man friend to share “the most romantic day of the year” with that I missed out on all the possibilities. I did not allow this same pattern to follow me into my college years and beyond. For at least the past six years I have been following the mantra of the ever so popular Real World New Orleans cast member Julie, “You don’t have to be in love on Valentines Day, you just have to have love”. Julie got the big picture, unlike me in years past and some friends and peers currently.
While anyone who is special to me will tell you, I tell them how much I love and appreciate them way too much, Valentines Day provides each of us with the opportunity to celebrate all the love we have rather than that small bit of love we think we're missing. Now I won’t play like I wouldn’t love to have a special guy to spend V-day with, but not having said special guy is not going to ruin my life or even February 14th. Every year I embrace all the love I'm blessed to have in my life by making sure to have a wonderful day with one of the many special people in my life, and it is always a memorable event. In the past six years I’ve cooked dinner had movie night with my mother and little sister, seen a play with good friends, played Valentine to a friend dealing with a difficult break up and spent the evening with a very special “Fall Boo”. None of these activities had any romantic undertones, but were excellent experiences nonetheless.
Ladies and gentleman, if you spent Valentine’s Day 2010 alone or called yourself boycotting or sad under a rock…shake it off! You have an entire year to get on the" give love when not IN love bandwagon". We reap what we sow, if we want to feel loved and receive love we must first learn to spread a little. You won't find me on my lily pad watching life and love pass me by; I'm in the game and enjoying almost every minute!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Monkey in the Middle
Monkey in the Middle was by far one of my least favorite childhood games. I'm short and I've always been short so there was never a favorable outcome for me. I would jump and jump but was never quite able to grab the ball as it went back and forth over my head, evading my fingertips a little more with every pass. By the end I would be exhausted and totally over it, ready for a freeze pop and a nap. Lately, I get the feeling I'm in an adult version of Monkey in the Middle with giants throwing the ball back and forth. The two giants are very familiar and we definitely have a love-hate relationship. The giant on my left is my family, they're demanding but give as good as they get. The other giant is work, a crazy beast that demands plenty of my time and energy while only yielding sporatic returns in the grand scheme of things. And then there's the ball, that precious little ball that still alludes my fingertips. The ball is my shrinking personal life and "me" time. I see said personal life go back and forth between my family and my career wishing I could grab it and never share it again. Is anyone else caught in this real life game of Monkey in the Middle? As children we are taught that being selfish is wrong. In fact, if word got out that you were the selfish kid you could almost immediately see a decline in play date and birthday party invitations, and who in the WORLD wanted that? No one, so we all put on a brave front and learned to share our favorite toys and covetted snacks to avoid excommunication. However, the older I get the more I begin to think that this rule is slightly antiquated when we hit young adulthood. If there was ever a time to embrace a selfish attitude, the twenties are definitely it. Side Note: This whole theory is null and void if you are the following: a parent, a spouse, a soon-to-be spouse or long term bf/gf, the selfish ship has indeed sailed for you and you have yourself to thank for pulling up the anchor. If none of those titles apply to you, welcome to the World of Selfish!
The twenties (post college especially) is the perfect time for such behavior because of all the obvious reasons, no children, disposeable income, independence from parents, youth and hopefully good looks! I think that we have all been over programmed, especially women, to the don't be selfish station and it's really time to change the channel. On numerous occasions I've fallen in the trap of putting everyone and everything before me resulting in my feeling like the monkey in the middle, with no way to escape. It would be much easier to say no and put myself first if I was super tight with my family and if they hadn't done everything in their power to ensure my successful transition into adulthood, but I am and they did. Work on the other hand...we both need each other and only like each other from time to time. What can I though? You don't work, you don't eat.
Is there a solution? Yeah...balance is HIGHLY overrated. People keep telling me how young I am and that there is plenty of time so I'll apply that here. Balance is highly overrated at this juncture in life. Unfortunately, when we have great people in our lives (family, friends, significant others) and a job that's taking you places keep playing the game, keep jumping for the magic ball of personal time. Every once in a while the giants throwing the ball back and forth will get worn out and you'll have the perfect opportunity to grab the ball. Good luck in your games of Monkey in the Middle...we ALL need it!
Pick your Battles, Win the war
The inability to stay in one's lane has caused many a hardship in the world of life, love, and relationships. We all know that one guy with the distorted self-image, who thinks he can holla at and bag anything with legs, fully clad in his Girbauds velcro jeans and all. Fat chicks in leggings-- Stay in your lane. Snatch-back ponytails?- Girl stop. And an ultimate favorite,: always trying to be super deep via twitter or facebook without so much as a middle schoolers grasp on the mechanics of the King's English? Here are 10 seats. Please have one.
It's important for all of us to know our calling and for us to be self- reflective and critical enough to know when we are just in over our heads, or worse, in the wrong game all together. This is especially true in our relationships, but maybe not for the reasons we might initially assume.
For me, relationships have sort of been like a competition. And I only get to win if I have the least number of transgressions between the two of us. Call it silly, but that's the main motivating factor for keeping me on the straight and narrow when it comes to indiscretions.I want to win. The only way I win is not by being perfect, its just by being less trifling than you.
The old adage remains true: Cheaters Never Win.
It's important for all of us to know our calling and for us to be self- reflective and critical enough to know when we are just in over our heads, or worse, in the wrong game all together. This is especially true in our relationships, but maybe not for the reasons we might initially assume.
For me, relationships have sort of been like a competition. And I only get to win if I have the least number of transgressions between the two of us. Call it silly, but that's the main motivating factor for keeping me on the straight and narrow when it comes to indiscretions.I want to win. The only way I win is not by being perfect, its just by being less trifling than you.
The old adage remains true: Cheaters Never Win.
Monday, January 31, 2011
10 Things 2010 Taught me
As we round the corner on the first month of 2011- the year which seems to be on crack if I say so myself- I cannot say that I was not happy to see 2010 come and go. So many things transpired during that year, I would be amiss to not give my list of 10 things 2010 taught me about myself, other people, and life in general.
1. Don't help people who don't want to be helped. Being the person that I am, it is very easy for me to get sucked into people's drama especially when I have a skill that can be used to intervene. Whether it is saying no to a last minute task, or stepping back and allowing others to learn on their own, 2010 taught me that sometimes the hands-off way really is the best way. Don't be a helping whore. Allow people to help themselves before you always save the day.
2. Friends are the family you get to choose..and just like family they will get on your nerves too. Contrary to what you might believe about your personal set of hooligans, my friends are hands down, without question, the best friends in the world. Over the year of 2010, they were there for me in ways unimaginable, through circumstances unimaginable. However, as good to me as they were, there were also some who worked my last natural nerve. Whether it was hearing them tell me things I didn't want to hear or having to tell them the short and dirty on their own lives, our relationships have been tried and still remain. What I learned over that year was that when it comes to true friends, loving them isn't always easy, but its always worthwhile.
3. Its really not that serious. I've talked about holding unnecessary grudges a couple of times on KFdiaries. And I have to admit, atleast 85% was pure lip-service. I mean, we all know its easy in theory to be the bigger person. But I am here to let you know that ignoring a person is not the same as being over that person. It still takes energy to consciously ignore someone. Its like walking up on someone and saying "This is me ignoring you". Not so effective right? When you are really through with a situation, you care not to care. And in 2010, I learned that when I don't even have the energy to be mad at you anymore, when you don't even deserve my anger, and I am genuinely happy for you in your irrelevance- I have truly moved on.
1. Don't help people who don't want to be helped. Being the person that I am, it is very easy for me to get sucked into people's drama especially when I have a skill that can be used to intervene. Whether it is saying no to a last minute task, or stepping back and allowing others to learn on their own, 2010 taught me that sometimes the hands-off way really is the best way. Don't be a helping whore. Allow people to help themselves before you always save the day.
2. Friends are the family you get to choose..and just like family they will get on your nerves too. Contrary to what you might believe about your personal set of hooligans, my friends are hands down, without question, the best friends in the world. Over the year of 2010, they were there for me in ways unimaginable, through circumstances unimaginable. However, as good to me as they were, there were also some who worked my last natural nerve. Whether it was hearing them tell me things I didn't want to hear or having to tell them the short and dirty on their own lives, our relationships have been tried and still remain. What I learned over that year was that when it comes to true friends, loving them isn't always easy, but its always worthwhile.
3. Its really not that serious. I've talked about holding unnecessary grudges a couple of times on KFdiaries. And I have to admit, atleast 85% was pure lip-service. I mean, we all know its easy in theory to be the bigger person. But I am here to let you know that ignoring a person is not the same as being over that person. It still takes energy to consciously ignore someone. Its like walking up on someone and saying "This is me ignoring you". Not so effective right? When you are really through with a situation, you care not to care. And in 2010, I learned that when I don't even have the energy to be mad at you anymore, when you don't even deserve my anger, and I am genuinely happy for you in your irrelevance- I have truly moved on.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Chop It Down and Burn the Remains
I am a relationship builder, that's what I do. I meet people, I decide if I like them and then I build a relationship. I am speaking very generally when I say relationship. I make some people play cousins, some booskis, some boo daddies, some best friends, etc. The point is, I collect people like pageant queens collect crowns. As a product of the AUC I have fully adopted the philosophy of never burning a bridge. Lately, I realized my people collecting has reached 'Hoarders' magnitude and I need an intervention! For the first time in my life it may in fact be time to chop down a few bridges and burn all the remains. That might be a little extreme, but it is indeed time to purge because some of these people are really just wasting space.
How did I reach this conclusion? My phone. Taking a short trip through the contacts list in my phone produce lots of blank stares and 'Wow, I haven't talked to him/her in forever' and a few negative remarks that I dare not type. Point being, my contact list is symbolic of all these pointless relationships in my life. When they were spouting that 'some people are for a season and some are for a lifetime' saying it really fell on deaf ears; but now I get the point. If you keep seasonal people around all year you won't have room for the new seasonal people that I are supposed to come in your life and teach you something. Additionally, some people just really don't deserve to be collected. The dusty, the trifflin', the compulsive liar, the thief; it's easy to let them go, they burn their own bridges. It's the ones who are good people, fun to be around, at least moderately attractive that are hard to let go of.
If you can't immediately identify someone's 'value added' quality, they must go! Upon completing a recent inventory of my collection I have developed a short list of the friends everyone should collect and keep.
The Shoulder to Lean & Cry On
The name speaks for itself. Sometimes things go wrong, plans fall apart and you need to have a breakdown. This person will let you cry and feel sorry for yourself for a minimum of 10 minutes while patting your back, giving you some tissue and a big hug. The most significant contribution of this person is what they do AFTER you've cried it all out. They remind you of the bright side and help you dust yourself off so you can start again.
The Prayer Partner
Before you laugh and after you've cried you will definitely solicit the prayers of this Saint. You never worry about being judged, and you know two things: 1. you're loved and 2. they will consistently go to God on your behalf.
The Comic Relief
This person ALWAYS has a joke, story or impression to make you laugh, even when that's the last thing you want to do and yet the very thing you need to do.
How did I reach this conclusion? My phone. Taking a short trip through the contacts list in my phone produce lots of blank stares and 'Wow, I haven't talked to him/her in forever' and a few negative remarks that I dare not type. Point being, my contact list is symbolic of all these pointless relationships in my life. When they were spouting that 'some people are for a season and some are for a lifetime' saying it really fell on deaf ears; but now I get the point. If you keep seasonal people around all year you won't have room for the new seasonal people that I are supposed to come in your life and teach you something. Additionally, some people just really don't deserve to be collected. The dusty, the trifflin', the compulsive liar, the thief; it's easy to let them go, they burn their own bridges. It's the ones who are good people, fun to be around, at least moderately attractive that are hard to let go of.
If you can't immediately identify someone's 'value added' quality, they must go! Upon completing a recent inventory of my collection I have developed a short list of the friends everyone should collect and keep.
The Shoulder to Lean & Cry On
The name speaks for itself. Sometimes things go wrong, plans fall apart and you need to have a breakdown. This person will let you cry and feel sorry for yourself for a minimum of 10 minutes while patting your back, giving you some tissue and a big hug. The most significant contribution of this person is what they do AFTER you've cried it all out. They remind you of the bright side and help you dust yourself off so you can start again.
The Prayer Partner
Before you laugh and after you've cried you will definitely solicit the prayers of this Saint. You never worry about being judged, and you know two things: 1. you're loved and 2. they will consistently go to God on your behalf.
The Comic Relief
This person ALWAYS has a joke, story or impression to make you laugh, even when that's the last thing you want to do and yet the very thing you need to do.
Dirty Little Secrets
As we become more and more connected, technological advancements pose a persistent threat to the ease with which we are able to maintain our personal privacy. With every new device that allows us to text, video chat, or instantly connect in any way, there is a considerable amount of autonomy that is lost. Really, minding your own damn business has becomes harder and harder. Even worse, so much is lost in translation over inaudible communication. How many of us have gotten all worked up because we read a text wrong? Now, take a second to think about the things you've read, that you were never even meant to see.I have come to see, cell phones, the lovely devices that connect us in so many great ways, like the treacherous apple that once tempted Eve way back in the Garden of Eden. But not every cell phone is holding the 'secrets' that threaten the world as we know it. This scenario has played out in nearly every relationship at least once or twice: Your boyfriend/ significant other has left his phone unattended. You are left with the incessant struggle so many women contemplate. Like a hooker in church, the sweat drips down your brow as you ask yourself, To go through his phone or not to go through his phone? That is the question.
I have struggled for a while with how I wanted to approach this topic because I, like most women, have fallen prey to the temptation of going through my significant other's Text messages, Email, Facebook, BBM, Notebooks...literally whatever was available to suite my insatiable need to snoop. And I can't say definitively that my voyeurism was necessarily or inextricably linked to any real concerns of infidelity. In truth, I'm really just nosy. I didn't have to think anything was going on. I just wanted to know what was going on. And I have found that my inclination towards impersonating some of my favorite Law and Order Detectives has usually gotten me nowhere fast. Oh, at first I have hyped myself up with things most women say, "well if he ain't got nothing to hide then there's nothing to worry about, right?" Wrong. From these experiences, I have found that no matter the result, whether you find something or not, you are always in a much worse position from which you came when you violate the privacy of someone you care about. The truth is, you lose a little bit of own self-respect, every time you disrespect someone else.
There are really only two things you can get from looking through your man's personal things:
A) A feeling of shame because you find something.
B) A feeling of shame because you don't.
No matter the result, you always end up losing. If you find something, you are now put in a position to make a choice about how to handle the new found information. You struggle with yourself to decide how to broach the issue because firstly, you weren't supposed to be going through his things and secondly you don't really know what to do with the information once you have it. It would probably be safe to say that at least 90% of women who find something 'suspicious' in their man's phone do not go straight to their man about what they have found. Usually they go to some friend to get validation that they have cause for concern, the first indicator that they have made the wrong choice. If you weren't confident in the move, why did you make it? Now here you are going through this personal turmoil that he most likely knows nothing about. I'm left to ask the question, what really was the point of looking if you knew you couldn't handle it?
On the other hand, there's the possibility that you don't find anything. If you are like me, you might lie to yourself to validate your breach, suggesting that somehow now you can trust this person better because you know nothing is happening. In reality, since we have assumed his guilt (you are only looking because you think he is doing wrong) you not finding anything is less an indicator of what he is actually doing, and a better indicator of how well he can keep it from you, right?
My answer is simple: Don't ever go through your man's personal items. If you are ready for your relationship to be over as you know it, go right ahead. So what to do then with the guy who you just have this feeling about? Well, first off, why are you dating him? If you are afraid he is cheating, ask him. If you don't believe his answer, feel free to ask for proof. Depending on the guy you may or may not get it. If you are still not satisfied, leave. Its really that simple and hard all at the same time.
If you have that much cause for concern where you feel the only way you can feel secure is by secretly going through his things, I would pose a different question to you. What is the point of staying in a relationship with something you have criminalized? Guilty until proven innocent? You don't need to go through his phone because you don't really need to know anymore since you have already indicted him. What is the point of finding evidence after the lawyer in your mind's court has already reached a verdict?
Women always think we need to know everything. We have to learn to trust again. And we do that by having more discretion about who we invite into our lives. Trust trustworthy people. Date trustworthy people. And how do you know they are trustworthy? Not by going through his phone. You do that getting to know the person WELL before the stake get so high. Consider not getting into relationships so quickly without having good reason to expose such vulnerability.
Privacy is a luxury we all enjoy to some extent or another. No one comes out of these situations clean, no matter the side you are on.
If you look for dirt, you are bound to get dirty, one way or another.
Is it ever ok to go through someone's phone? Guys? Girls? Leave your thoughts below.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
For the love of Self-deprecation, because I've earned it.
If you came to this post expecting some inkling of information about why people constantly do things that they know are "bad" for them with full knowledge or even skewed knowledge of the consequences...you are sorely mistaken. I stand guilty as charged. As a matter of fact, I may stand as the self-proclaimed leader of the hooligans of 20-somethings who are currently out doing whatever-the fword- they want because, well, they can. As of late, a lot of my friends have repeatedly informed me of the apparent fact of my present insanity. Remnants of my recklessness can be found via facebook and twitter updates marking my current disregard for authority and consequence. Even my parental units have acknowledged this new lease on life with a shake of the head and a mutterance ..."so you're just playing games now, huh?". Well mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, you're absolutely freaking right. I am doing the ultimate fool. And I'm loving it.
And to you I ask, why not? I mean seriously, what are the 20-somethings for. As I round the corner on my swiftly fleeting years pre-thirtydom, I can reflect on my life and say up to this point, I have done what they wanted me to do.Obviously there are many things our families have envisioned for our lives. But when I think about it, critical to all of the hopes and wishes they may have had for me, there are really just two things standing in the way: Me graduating from college, and doing the aforementioned without penalty or upset (i.e. don't have a baby). Survey says: Check, and DOUBLE Check.
And I hope I'm not stepping on too many toes with that last one, but stomp, stomp. I think most of us can agree with the following experience: Probably from the time I got my period, the only thing on my family and extending family's mind (all of them, aunties, uncles, whoever...) was "Please lord don't let this child have a baby." And when they got me off to college and well into matriculation it probably morphed into a slightly re-qualified request: "Please lord let this child finish college BEFORE she has a baby." Welp Odds, take that. I am truly footloose and fancy free. Am I saying people who had children early are somehow having a worse or even better experience of life than I? Nope. Are they failures? Absolutely not. Are they happy? That's for them to judge. But did I win based on the terms and conditions set forth over 10 years ago per the spoken and unspoken plea agreement made with my pre and post pubescent uterus? HELL to-the YES!
I was talking to one of my many parental figures about some future career plans and what his opinion was on the subject. I told him that I was asking pretty much to see if he would say I sounded crazy or if he thought it was something I could actually do. His comments were short and sweet. "You graduated from college. You got the masters. You have a good job that you are excelling at. And you have most of your good god-given sense. You don't have any baggage (codeword for baby). For all intents and purposes, You won. Whoever you were fighting, you won. And now you're just standing in the ring asking, "Who wants some?!" So do what you want and be happy."
So to anyone thinking wow, She's doing theeabsolutemost these days- You are damned right. And to anyone considering losing their mind (within reason of course) to you I say, jump. I put in my time. Ive earned the right. I have transitioned from child to adult. So I say yes to staying out all night laughing and drinking with my friends when I know I have work in the morning. I say yes to travel, exploration, and especially mistakes. I say yes to taking a lot of 'me' time. I say yes to Casually dating men I shouldn't, saying rude things to grown men that might get me slapped and maybe even breaking a few hearts. I say yes to eating a pint of ice cream out of the carton while watching The Biggest Loser. I say yes to telling people the truth. I say yes to lying to myself when its convenient. And until I accept reason not to, I say yes to being the most important person to please in my life.
I have met and exceeding expectations. So in fact, I wouldn't even call this perceptibly questionable behavior self-deprecating at all. I will call this self-love in its highest form and not take time for a second appraisal. Sometimes taking a little time to NOT take yourself too seriously is the perfect remedy for a mean case of the melancholies and an even better launchpad for productivity and progress. When I am not being so hard on myself I am my most creative. When I allow room for mistakes in my life, I am honestly my most happy. I'm done doing the "right" thing. Taking risks is the most unadulterated indicator of truly living. Besides I have my 30's to sit around and ponder how I survived through such foolishness. For now, Let the good times roll.
All of my Love, R.M.
And to you I ask, why not? I mean seriously, what are the 20-somethings for. As I round the corner on my swiftly fleeting years pre-thirtydom, I can reflect on my life and say up to this point, I have done what they wanted me to do.Obviously there are many things our families have envisioned for our lives. But when I think about it, critical to all of the hopes and wishes they may have had for me, there are really just two things standing in the way: Me graduating from college, and doing the aforementioned without penalty or upset (i.e. don't have a baby). Survey says: Check, and DOUBLE Check.
And I hope I'm not stepping on too many toes with that last one, but stomp, stomp. I think most of us can agree with the following experience: Probably from the time I got my period, the only thing on my family and extending family's mind (all of them, aunties, uncles, whoever...) was "Please lord don't let this child have a baby." And when they got me off to college and well into matriculation it probably morphed into a slightly re-qualified request: "Please lord let this child finish college BEFORE she has a baby." Welp Odds, take that. I am truly footloose and fancy free. Am I saying people who had children early are somehow having a worse or even better experience of life than I? Nope. Are they failures? Absolutely not. Are they happy? That's for them to judge. But did I win based on the terms and conditions set forth over 10 years ago per the spoken and unspoken plea agreement made with my pre and post pubescent uterus? HELL to-the YES!
I was talking to one of my many parental figures about some future career plans and what his opinion was on the subject. I told him that I was asking pretty much to see if he would say I sounded crazy or if he thought it was something I could actually do. His comments were short and sweet. "You graduated from college. You got the masters. You have a good job that you are excelling at. And you have most of your good god-given sense. You don't have any baggage (codeword for baby). For all intents and purposes, You won. Whoever you were fighting, you won. And now you're just standing in the ring asking, "Who wants some?!" So do what you want and be happy."
So to anyone thinking wow, She's doing theeabsolutemost these days- You are damned right. And to anyone considering losing their mind (within reason of course) to you I say, jump. I put in my time. Ive earned the right. I have transitioned from child to adult. So I say yes to staying out all night laughing and drinking with my friends when I know I have work in the morning. I say yes to travel, exploration, and especially mistakes. I say yes to taking a lot of 'me' time. I say yes to Casually dating men I shouldn't, saying rude things to grown men that might get me slapped and maybe even breaking a few hearts. I say yes to eating a pint of ice cream out of the carton while watching The Biggest Loser. I say yes to telling people the truth. I say yes to lying to myself when its convenient. And until I accept reason not to, I say yes to being the most important person to please in my life.
I have met and exceeding expectations. So in fact, I wouldn't even call this perceptibly questionable behavior self-deprecating at all. I will call this self-love in its highest form and not take time for a second appraisal. Sometimes taking a little time to NOT take yourself too seriously is the perfect remedy for a mean case of the melancholies and an even better launchpad for productivity and progress. When I am not being so hard on myself I am my most creative. When I allow room for mistakes in my life, I am honestly my most happy. I'm done doing the "right" thing. Taking risks is the most unadulterated indicator of truly living. Besides I have my 30's to sit around and ponder how I survived through such foolishness. For now, Let the good times roll.
All of my Love, R.M.
Miles to Hop BEFORE We Date
For years I have been a serial dater, I meet men I date them and then meet more and date them too. There was no point or end game just me getting to know men that were interested in getting to know me. As you can imagine doing this produces a high turnover rate as every man is not down to be one of many and with some men it just didn't 'click'. Needless to say my ratio of past man friends to boyfriends is significantly skewed to the side of the man friend. Some might see this as a fail but it has served me well...for the most part.
My date many and boyfriend none philosophy allowed me to meet lots of great guys and really get to know them. Am I saying you can't really get to know someone you have intentions of being in a relationship with? No absolutely not. However, what I am saying is that the expectation for or hope of a relationship can really get in the way of developing a relationship. There's a guy that I have been friends with for a couple years at this point, we were introduced by mutual friends and live in different cities. My friend is a great guy and is going to make some woman unbelievably happy one day. Now I would be lying if I said there wasn't a point in our friendship when I really tried to make it me; this wasn't immediate but when it hit me I most definitely made a valiant effort.
We had spent months just talking on the phone really getting to know each other, cracking jokes and just having a great time. Then it hit me. I've got to 'wife' this one! And THAT was the wrong idea. Our frequent conversations went from enjoyable to a drill in tactical maneuvers, and I tried them all. However, he had a few maneuvers of his own and none of them included falling into my traps. Eventually, I began to feel some type of way about the situation and had to give myself a long hard talk at the mirror. This required me to take off my rose colored glasses, which was a feat because I tend to prefer life in a rosy hue. Back to the story, I thought about all the things that initially made our friendship really jump off and past conversations about his relationship philosophies. Well...none of those things had changed, but I had or so I thought.
The truth is I wasn't so down for a relationship because I really wanted to lock the situation down but rather because traditional time tables told me it was way past due. The funny thing is neither of us were/are conventional when it comes to relationships, so why would I measure the progression of our friendship by conventional methods? Just plain tomfoolery! So I decided to back off, like all the way off and then come back ready to be friends like we used to be. The things that I liked about him haven't changed but my perspective on our relationship has considerably. I recognize the value he adds just as we are and honestly, at this point thats more than enough. Soooo I continue my exploits as a serial dater and look forward to the day when timing meets opportunity in the form of someone fantastic!
- H.G.
My date many and boyfriend none philosophy allowed me to meet lots of great guys and really get to know them. Am I saying you can't really get to know someone you have intentions of being in a relationship with? No absolutely not. However, what I am saying is that the expectation for or hope of a relationship can really get in the way of developing a relationship. There's a guy that I have been friends with for a couple years at this point, we were introduced by mutual friends and live in different cities. My friend is a great guy and is going to make some woman unbelievably happy one day. Now I would be lying if I said there wasn't a point in our friendship when I really tried to make it me; this wasn't immediate but when it hit me I most definitely made a valiant effort.
We had spent months just talking on the phone really getting to know each other, cracking jokes and just having a great time. Then it hit me. I've got to 'wife' this one! And THAT was the wrong idea. Our frequent conversations went from enjoyable to a drill in tactical maneuvers, and I tried them all. However, he had a few maneuvers of his own and none of them included falling into my traps. Eventually, I began to feel some type of way about the situation and had to give myself a long hard talk at the mirror. This required me to take off my rose colored glasses, which was a feat because I tend to prefer life in a rosy hue. Back to the story, I thought about all the things that initially made our friendship really jump off and past conversations about his relationship philosophies. Well...none of those things had changed, but I had or so I thought.
The truth is I wasn't so down for a relationship because I really wanted to lock the situation down but rather because traditional time tables told me it was way past due. The funny thing is neither of us were/are conventional when it comes to relationships, so why would I measure the progression of our friendship by conventional methods? Just plain tomfoolery! So I decided to back off, like all the way off and then come back ready to be friends like we used to be. The things that I liked about him haven't changed but my perspective on our relationship has considerably. I recognize the value he adds just as we are and honestly, at this point thats more than enough. Soooo I continue my exploits as a serial dater and look forward to the day when timing meets opportunity in the form of someone fantastic!
- H.G.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Carry-On Rules
Rule: One small piece of luggage, one personal item. TSA's rules for carry-on luggage deem this the maximum allowance per passenger for safe traveling and this is more than enough. However, as of late increasingly more passengers are trying to board their flights with medium size luggage, additional personal items and the list goes on and on. The violators have made the plane boarding experience a fete for those like myself who follow the rules and just need to store one bag overhead and a personal item under my seat. trying to board my plane with more than the maximum allowance. I mean how are these people NOT getting flagged by the gate agents for their egregious behavior? The older I get the more life is beginning to resemble the airplane boarding process, except I'm the plane and the men I encounter are the rule breaking passengers. Were people just really great at concealing their baggage when we were younger/in college or has the amount of baggage just increased exponentially? I'm so serious about this, there are people walking around looking like the Great Migration with all the baggage they're carrying. Is the art of packing light totally lost on my generation? In my recent dating exploits I have encountered more than my fair share of 'bag men'. I will admit, these men have had some really great baggage; I'm talking comparable to Gucci duffles, Louis Vuitton weekenders. These bags would be fine if they were within the one piece of luggage and one personal item rules but alas, they are not. This is in addition to hectic work schedules, busy personal lives and being geographically undesirable.
At the boarding gate theyre all smiles and compliance while secretly hiding extra bags like a set of nesting bowls. As soon as the rule breakers receive clearance to board the plane bags materialize from thin air. But what do I do? Do i land and put them off or do i keep the plane up and pray for no turbulence or crashes? Its sticky because these days im only boarding planes with one personal item- my purse filled with the bare necessities; is it wrong to want the same? I'm sure the decision wouldn't be so tough if I was dealing with jerks and a-holes. That is not the case. I'm dealing with educated men who can't pack light to save their own lives!
I used to land the plane and put them off ASAP, lately I have been letting them linger. You would do the same if the last three men you dated all had some extra bag of sorts. Besides, if things have made it to the point where the bag-man can board the plane things have been pretty smooth thus far and the bags haven't effected the journey...yet. At some point that extra baggage may rear its ugly head leading to dangerous turbulence or a crash. We can't prepare for what we can't see, so here are a few signs that your passenger(s) is hiding some contraband.
1.) He/She is always busy.
2.) They won't go out on 'school nights' (i.e. Sun-Thurs).
3.) He/She always comes to your house and you're never invited to theirs. (He/She could be married, a hoarder or homeless...lol)
4.) You always have to pay or your dates don't cost any money.
We all have two choices, strictly adhere to the 'Carry-On Rules' or prepare for a bumpy ride and a tough landing.
All the Single Ladies
There is nothing in this world that grinds my gears more than to hear someone refer to a fixable 'condition' in their lives as some sort of irreversible inoperable cancer or disease. Enter Lindsey, Fanny, and Sarah.
Late Lindsey: "I'm Always Late. I just cant seem to get it together"
No. You always choose to be late. Most likely you go to bed each night telling yourself that inevitably the next morning you will not be able to have it together. Then you get up that morning, late, lying to yourself as if you ever had intentions on being to said event/location/extravaganza on time. You take 25 minutes to shower. You take 40 minutes on hair and make up. And then you want me to look you in the face and smile when you show up--often looking basic so it REALLY shouldn't have taken you so long-- and accept your B.S. of an excuse 'girl you know me, i just have issues with time'. No. I refuse. You are a sloth. Set an alarm and get-it-the-hell together.
Fat Fanny: "I just cant seem to lose any weight. I just have a poor metabolism".
Wrong again hombre. You are a fatty. And you obviously enjoy your not-so-lovely lady lumps. Now before i go all-the-way in on you, I can personally admit, that I have had EXTREME issues with this very EXCUSE. My favorite divergence was convincing myself that I actually LOVED my new, more ample frame. (See,Consulting with my Inner and Outer Fat girl ) Girl, you play too much. No, you don't. And your weight gain and/or loss is inextricably linked to your apparent laziness. Even worse you use fat as an excuse for things that don't even make sense. Fat is not a disease. Fat is eating ho-hos and bonbons at 4 in the damn morning. Nobody says you have to be size 4, just care a little. 30mins of cardio, 3 days a week. Simple as that.
Single Sarah: "There are just no good men."
No. Maybe you're just ugly. I'll repeat that. No. Maybe you're just ugly. And by ugly I am referring to less than 10% of your outward appearance. Please don't be confused. It's that 90% of stupid that is really holding you back sweetie. Nobody is putting a ring on that dysfunctional-a** finger. You can't even get out of bed on time. What does any sane reasonable man look like attaching himself to you? .
And with that rampage of an introduction, I present to you the top 5 reasons you're single and why people are giving you a major side-eye for singing Beyonce's namesake so freaking hard in the club.
1. You are mean. You don't even like you. This is demonstrated first by your inability to show up anywhere on time, your apparent disregard for high-cholesterol and diabetes, and the fact that nobody has ever seen you smile or say one nice thing about anyone else. No one has ever seen you smile or say one NICE thing about someone else. And let me clarify, no compliment sandwiches allowed. This means you say something considerate about or do something nice for someone else without expectation of reward or ceremony. this is called being a good person. This is called character.
2. You don't even go anywhere good men are. Yes girl, there are good men at the club. No girl, these men are not there looking for love. I guarun-damn-tee that booboo. Not tonight. He might be a good guy every other night, but he did not come to The Compound to find his Forever doing it with no hands. He probably already knows her. And he probably met her at a well-lit establishment with people wearing reasonably fitted clothing. So Riddle-me-this Batman, why is the club the ONLY place you can consistently be found in this great society? If you want to pick up trash, go to the local dumpster. If you want to develop substantive relationships with like-minded individuals, go join an organization of genuine interest, do something for someone else and stop hating on that really nice guy with the glasses.
3. You have about 45 ridiculous standards, of which you live up to none. Here you are with a requirements list (first issue) that is 100 miles long(second issue). Now I am not saying that you shouldn't have some non-negotiable minimum expectations. But non-negotiables are the simple rules: he doesn't go upside your head, he treats his mother with respect, and he works hard (at whatever job he does). That's it. Three things. Now you have a lacefront, barely made it out of undergrad, 6 years in the making majoring in Home Economics but you cant cook, and you want your man to be a Magna Cum Laude, Heart surgeon with washboard abs and a airport terminal in his name. Yea girl. One Sentence: Know your market value. (you'll get that one later)
4. You have too much 'friendly' input on your life from other perpetually single people. Tyrese said to LaLa when she was getting married to Carmello in a nutshell that she wasn't acting like someone who wanted to be married, because all she ever hung out with was single clubbers. Yea, that's you. Further, the only people you are getting advice from are haters, B-words, and fools. The only people you affiliate with are people who act like they want to stay single. The only people who you affiliate with are people who act like they want YOU to stay single.What can your friend who has never had a substantive relationship tell you about having a substantive relationship past the cursory opinions you could probably just as easily find on blogs like this? Not a wholedamnedlot. This doesn't mean people cant share their thoughts with you. But have a mind of your own. Be judicious with how you allow others to influence the actions that only affect you.
And last but CERTAINLY not least...
5. You don't even know what a good man looks like. Stay with me because this one is soooo critical. Remember ol boy with the glasses from Reason #2. Yes, him. Ill make this short and sweet. A good man, is a man who makes you feel genuinely and unconditionally joyful. Period.
I dont make the rules. I just try and make it plain.
Rated M
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