There is nothing in this world that grinds my gears more than to hear someone refer to a fixable 'condition' in their lives as some sort of irreversible inoperable cancer or disease. Enter Lindsey, Fanny, and Sarah.
Late Lindsey: "I'm Always Late. I just cant seem to get it together"
No. You always choose to be late. Most likely you go to bed each night telling yourself that inevitably the next morning you will not be able to have it together. Then you get up that morning, late, lying to yourself as if you ever had intentions on being to said event/location/extravaganza on time. You take 25 minutes to shower. You take 40 minutes on hair and make up. And then you want me to look you in the face and smile when you show up--often looking basic so it REALLY shouldn't have taken you so long-- and accept your B.S. of an excuse 'girl you know me, i just have issues with time'. No. I refuse. You are a sloth. Set an alarm and get-it-the-hell together.
Fat Fanny: "I just cant seem to lose any weight. I just have a poor metabolism".
Wrong again hombre. You are a fatty. And you obviously enjoy your not-so-lovely lady lumps. Now before i go all-the-way in on you, I can personally admit, that I have had EXTREME issues with this very EXCUSE. My favorite divergence was convincing myself that I actually LOVED my new, more ample frame. (See,Consulting with my Inner and Outer Fat girl ) Girl, you play too much. No, you don't. And your weight gain and/or loss is inextricably linked to your apparent laziness. Even worse you use fat as an excuse for things that don't even make sense. Fat is not a disease. Fat is eating ho-hos and bonbons at 4 in the damn morning. Nobody says you have to be size 4, just care a little. 30mins of cardio, 3 days a week. Simple as that.
Single Sarah: "There are just no good men."
No. Maybe you're just ugly. I'll repeat that. No. Maybe you're just ugly. And by ugly I am referring to less than 10% of your outward appearance. Please don't be confused. It's that 90% of stupid that is really holding you back sweetie. Nobody is putting a ring on that dysfunctional-a** finger. You can't even get out of bed on time. What does any sane reasonable man look like attaching himself to you? .
And with that rampage of an introduction, I present to you the top 5 reasons you're single and why people are giving you a major side-eye for singing Beyonce's namesake so freaking hard in the club.
1. You are mean. You don't even like you. This is demonstrated first by your inability to show up anywhere on time, your apparent disregard for high-cholesterol and diabetes, and the fact that nobody has ever seen you smile or say one nice thing about anyone else. No one has ever seen you smile or say one NICE thing about someone else. And let me clarify, no compliment sandwiches allowed. This means you say something considerate about or do something nice for someone else without expectation of reward or ceremony. this is called being a good person. This is called character.
2. You don't even go anywhere good men are. Yes girl, there are good men at the club. No girl, these men are not there looking for love. I guarun-damn-tee that booboo. Not tonight. He might be a good guy every other night, but he did not come to The Compound to find his Forever doing it with no hands. He probably already knows her. And he probably met her at a well-lit establishment with people wearing reasonably fitted clothing. So Riddle-me-this Batman, why is the club the ONLY place you can consistently be found in this great society? If you want to pick up trash, go to the local dumpster. If you want to develop substantive relationships with like-minded individuals, go join an organization of genuine interest, do something for someone else and stop hating on that really nice guy with the glasses.
3. You have about 45 ridiculous standards, of which you live up to none. Here you are with a requirements list (first issue) that is 100 miles long(second issue). Now I am not saying that you shouldn't have some non-negotiable minimum expectations. But non-negotiables are the simple rules: he doesn't go upside your head, he treats his mother with respect, and he works hard (at whatever job he does). That's it. Three things. Now you have a lacefront, barely made it out of undergrad, 6 years in the making majoring in Home Economics but you cant cook, and you want your man to be a Magna Cum Laude, Heart surgeon with washboard abs and a airport terminal in his name. Yea girl. One Sentence: Know your market value. (you'll get that one later)
4. You have too much 'friendly' input on your life from other perpetually single people. Tyrese said to LaLa when she was getting married to Carmello in a nutshell that she wasn't acting like someone who wanted to be married, because all she ever hung out with was single clubbers. Yea, that's you. Further, the only people you are getting advice from are haters, B-words, and fools. The only people you affiliate with are people who act like they want to stay single. The only people who you affiliate with are people who act like they want YOU to stay single.What can your friend who has never had a substantive relationship tell you about having a substantive relationship past the cursory opinions you could probably just as easily find on blogs like this? Not a wholedamnedlot. This doesn't mean people cant share their thoughts with you. But have a mind of your own. Be judicious with how you allow others to influence the actions that only affect you.
And last but CERTAINLY not least...
5. You don't even know what a good man looks like. Stay with me because this one is soooo critical. Remember ol boy with the glasses from Reason #2. Yes, him. Ill make this short and sweet. A good man, is a man who makes you feel genuinely and unconditionally joyful. Period.
I dont make the rules. I just try and make it plain.
Rated M
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