Consulting with my Inner (and Outer) Fat girl

Yes, Im talking to you. You that's rolling over the top of my jeans, making my feet to big to fit into my favorite shoes, and demolishing the seams in my Get'Em girl dress. I say no to bread and butter, you say "F- that, I like butter"(a la Wanda Sykes "Ester"). I try to eat healthy, you say "Hey this IS lowfat Ice cream". I tell you that Im changing my life and you've got to go, and just like my ex who keeps on calling, you keep calling me too....to the refridgerator. I really dont understand why you treat me like you do. I welcomed you with open arms everytime I took a bite of a cupcake or a honeybun- and here you are betraying me with every roll, bulge, and crater.

I saw this coming years ago, but I couldnt accept that it just wasnt going to work. I made excuses for you, gave you backhanded compliments I didnt believe, "you getting thick girl-- I like it when you got a little weight on ya!" I rationalized and told myself that we could work it out and that you were just a necessary evil, one that comes with age. I coddled you, bought you new clothes and changed my looks to flatter your curves. In return you kept me warm and round.

But Im here to let you know that there's someone new in my life and she's a fine little thing with a sweetheart neckline, structured bodice, and parachute bottom. Im trying to get all up in her fine ass. Like any bad situation, I know that it takes time to recover, but I need you out of my life as soon as possible. You are just another one of the many frogs I have decided I will not kiss anymore in 2010. Here I am again, the morning after-another night of smooching, but I say today it must be known that I will no longer pucker up to you. Consider this our official break up. Don't call me, Ill call you. I'm through with you, fatgirl. I'm done with you ruining my Facebook pictures with your double chin of deceit. I thought I couldn't live without you, so I piled my grocery cart high with your favorite things. But what about my needs? I NEED to fit in that bikini come July '10. South Beach will not wait, oh demon of cellulite. So I take this vow today to change my ways. It was nice knowing you, but now I'm on to the next one.

Please understand. Its not you; Its me.