Dirty Little Secrets

As we become more and more connected, technological advancements pose a persistent threat to the ease with which we are able to maintain our personal privacy. With every new device that allows us to text, video chat, or instantly connect in any way, there is a considerable amount of autonomy that is lost. Really, minding your own damn business has becomes harder and harder. Even worse, so much is lost in translation over inaudible communication. How many of us have gotten all worked up because we read a text wrong? Now, take a second to think about the things you've read, that you were never even meant to see.

I have come to see, cell phones, the lovely devices that connect us in so many great ways,  like the treacherous apple that once tempted Eve way back in the Garden of Eden. But not every cell phone is holding the 'secrets' that threaten the world as we know it. This scenario has played out in nearly every relationship at least once or twice: Your boyfriend/ significant other has left his phone unattended. You are left with the incessant struggle so many women contemplate. Like a hooker in church, the sweat drips down your brow as you ask yourself,  To go through his phone or not to go through his phone? That is the question.

I have struggled for a while with how I wanted to approach this topic because I, like most women, have fallen prey to the temptation of going through my significant other's Text messages, Email, Facebook, BBM, Notebooks...literally whatever was available to suite my insatiable need to snoop. And I can't say definitively that my voyeurism was necessarily or inextricably linked to any real concerns of infidelity. In truth, I'm really just nosy. I didn't have to think anything was going on. I just wanted to know what was going on.  And I have found that my inclination towards impersonating some of my favorite Law and Order Detectives has usually gotten me nowhere fast. Oh, at first I have hyped myself up with things most women say, "well if he ain't got nothing to hide then there's nothing to worry about, right?" Wrong.  From these experiences, I have found that no matter the result, whether you find something or not, you are always in a much worse position from which you came when you violate the privacy of someone you care about. The truth is, you lose a little bit of own self-respect, every time you disrespect someone else.

There are really only two things you can get from looking through your man's personal things:

A) A feeling of shame because you find something.

B) A feeling of shame because you don't.

No matter the result, you always end up losing. If you find something, you are now put in a position to make a choice about how to handle the new found information. You struggle with yourself to decide how to broach the issue because firstly, you weren't supposed to be going through his things and secondly you don't really know what to do with the information once you have it. It would probably be safe to say that at least 90% of women who find something 'suspicious' in their man's phone do not go straight to their man about what they have found. Usually they go to some friend to get validation that they have cause for concern, the first indicator that they have made the wrong choice. If you weren't confident in the move, why did you make it? Now here you are going through this personal turmoil that he most likely knows nothing about. I'm left to ask the question, what really was the point of looking if you knew you couldn't handle it?

On the other hand, there's the possibility that you don't find anything. If you are like me, you might lie to yourself to validate your breach, suggesting that somehow now you can trust this person better because you know nothing is happening. In reality, since we have assumed his guilt (you are only looking because you think he is doing wrong) you not finding anything is less an indicator of what he is actually doing, and a better indicator of how well he can keep it from you, right? 

My answer is simple: Don't ever go through your man's personal items. If you are ready for your relationship to be over as you know it, go right ahead.  So what to do then with the guy who you just have this feeling about? Well, first off, why are you dating him?  If you are afraid he is cheating, ask him. If you don't believe his answer, feel free to ask for proof. Depending on the guy you may or may not get it. If you are still not satisfied, leave. Its really that simple and hard all at the same time.

If you have that much cause for concern where you feel the only way you can feel secure is by secretly going through his things, I would pose a different question to you. What is the point of staying in a relationship with something you have criminalized? Guilty until proven innocent? You don't need to go through his phone because you don't really need to know anymore since you have already indicted him. What is the point of finding evidence after the lawyer in your mind's court has already reached a verdict?

Women always think we need to know everything. We have to learn to trust again. And we do that by having more discretion about who we invite into our lives. Trust trustworthy people. Date trustworthy people. And how do you know they are trustworthy? Not by going through his phone. You do that getting to know the person WELL before the stake get so high. Consider not getting into relationships so quickly without having good reason to expose such vulnerability.

 Privacy is a luxury we all enjoy to some extent or another. No one comes out of these situations clean, no matter the side you are on.

If you look for dirt, you are bound to get dirty, one way or another.

Is it ever ok to go through someone's phone? Guys? Girls? Leave your thoughts below.