Untitled.

I hate the term bored. I hate to hear someone say that they are bored. Boredom is idiocy. The dumbest thing to ever come out of a person's mouth is, I'm bored. Nobody likes bored people because bored people are boring. They lack the presumed innate intelligence to make something happen in their lives when the automaticity of life's events encounters a temporary halt. They do not know how to be dynamic and the laws of attraction are necessarily voided by the bored person's inability to bring activity to themselves. Boredom is a self-perpetuating cycle that really only the bored person can break. If you cant make something happen for yourself and instead just sit around talking about how wack things are, you sound dumb...as hell. And while I sat on my couch yesterday, looking around listlessly at my phone, the empty seat next to me, the rerun on the television, my empty refrigerator, I  shocked myself letting out a long melodramatic sigh and before I thinking twice the phrase left my lips.... I'm Bored.

Every once in a while I find myself in one of these funks where I just do'nt feel engaged by anything happening in my life. The triggers for this deluge are many. Sometimes it lasts but a day, a few hours. Other times I can go on for up to a week in my slump. Most often my exit from restlessness takes the form of wanton crackhead-esque cleaning and organizing of all things in my life. And once I feel, 'settled' I am suddenly back to my old self again.

A friend, in an attempt to help me break the stronghold this case of the melancholies had one me, asked a few probing questions. What would make me feel better? A vacation to somewhere exotic, going back to school, a hobby? And then he said the words that nearly sent me reeling... A man? ....A boo? Did. I. need. a. man?

After answering with a quick line to avoid blaming my sad state on singleness alone, I reread the last option he offered nearly twenty times. Had it truly come down to this one factor in my life? Had the grips of boredom finally taken me all the way over to the land of ridiculous? Have I really become the SAD, single, black female?

While I have to admit that I am coming off of a binge of unfulfilling whirl-wind dating, I could not believe that my boredom had totally come down to the fact that I didn't have a man. I mean, how sad does that sound? How stupid is that? But if I dig really deep to think about what it is I am truly missing in my life, I cannot wholly deny that having a companion wouldn't have the potential to make an impact. I mean, who doesn't want someone around that they can hang out with, trust, find comfort, and all that other stuff? I just don't do single well. I know how to do attached. I know how to give it all to someone else. And here lies my damn problem. I love being in Love. And though I can admit to  missing a specific companion at times, the unfortunate love of being in love is an all too familiar sickness to those who sympathize with my present feeling of perpetual stagnation.

So many women, and even a few men suffer from a love of Love. And unfortunately it rarely ends positively. Love of  Love often causes women to get into relationships that don't and wont ever meet their expectations. Love of Love finds men at the butt of jokes while their 'lover' shows off the pics and emoticon riddled texts their current level of b*tchassness facilitates. We give up way to much when we love Love. Loving Love is dismal, dead-end. And like boredom, it just makes us look dumb. As cliche as it sounds, we would all be a lot better off if we could just figure out how to be alone.

Personally, this is an ever-present battle as I am both addicted to love and friendship. I just hate being by myself. I've lived most of my life as an only child, and while it would seem natural to enjoy solitude, only in recent months have a learned to 'psuedo' be alone. In reality, Ive never really let myself be TOTALLY by myself. If I don't have a date, I'm hanging or talking with a friend. However, I recognize that learning to be by myself is critical to finally encountering and maintaining my best self. Like seriously, if you don't even want to be with yourself, who else will? If you cant stand you for more than a few hours, how do you expect to be with someone for a few months, years, or even forever? I suppose most of the answer to this problem lies in me being a big little girl and just getting it the hell together.

Some people have a problem initiating but throwing  myself into something and someone new has become my worst enemy. I'm standing in the mirror, trying desperately to figure out how to just deal with plain old me for a change, and I'm bored to tears.