The Diva Dude by Very Smart Brothas

This was too good to even try to explain, expound, or expunge. Introducing the Diva Dude. Click and Enjoy.

Defining the Diva Dude

I know our Frog Kisser's can relate.

All of my Love, L.L.

When your well runs dry

Everybody always talks about the myth of the 'grass being greener'. And we all know to be wary of stepping over to the other side, just because it looks shiny and sparkly from a distance. We are told by mentors, peers, and friends that this myth has taken many a man (and woman) into its wrath and hung them out to dry. Yet, we still repeat our mistakes and  continue to hear that tired phrase because everyday another person tries it on for size. I'm not sure if humans are just meant to wander  and wonder forever, travel aimlessly into the depths of curiosity, only to return for the age old "I told you so." It seems that we just will never learn.

Take for instance a guy I know. Said guy has been with his girl for many years. They have had some ups and downs but in the end, their love for each other has brought them both through, together. While he has been a good boyfriend, he has had his share of hiccups as has she. But in the end there is no question that this chick he has on his arm is solid. A keeper. A catch. The two are young, and though they have been together for awhile- they both know they have plenty of life ahead of them. She sees her future with him. He remains unsure. While she sees them building a life together, he sees himself pursuing his professional goals somewhat independently and later settling down when the time is right. She knows that they can forge something great together. He's afraid its just too early to tell. Though she's confident he is the one- some big little part of him is still wondering....

Pick Your Produce

 I have been chewing on the idea for this post for a while, but the first couple times I attempted to write it the words refused to come. I have been thinking about it a lot lately as I venture out in the city and meet new men. Then the other night a conversation with a good friend gave me just the spark I needed.

Recently, a friend of mine told me about a slightly confusing conversation he had with a girl he was once involved with and had since labeled as his 'homie'. The woman wanted to know if there was or would ever be a chance for them to be more. He was baffled by the question assuming the years of physical distance and current nature of their friendship had implied that this was definitely a 'no go'. But this is not the critical part of the story. After divulging the details of their past relationship, he went on to question the nature and status of their friendship post awkward conversation. I immediately asserted that they were not friends and that they probably would not be friends now. He didn't get it, so I explained that he was marked as a fruit in her life, and once marked as such it's nearly impossible to ever become a vegetable. 

Walking the produce section of your favorite grocery store or farmer's market is a lot like meeting new people of the opposite sex.  Fruits and vegetables come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors. Some will be way more appealing than others, but one important fact remains: No matter what they look like or how they taste, they are all either a vegetable OR a fruit. Our bodies need both to remain healthy and function properly, requiring daily servings of each. Thanks to that cute little food pyramid in health class, I know we all learned this lesson years ago.

As we move closer to whatever goals we have and purpose God has for our lives, our time, energy and efforts become more intently focused. We at least try to make every minute count and every meeting purposeful, which brings me back to the produce section. Stepping into the chilled, brightly colored area of the market is intentional, we know we need fruits and vegetables so we have to get them. The same is true when encountering people of the opposite or same sex (depending on your preference), we know we need lovers AND friends.

The Vegetable:

We have to have vegetables, they are essential to our survival. Friends, like veggies are critical to our sanity. Friends of the opposite sex, (like veggies) are often devalued, but it's impossible to live without them. They will be a spring board for your encounters with those in the 'lovers' category, keeping your expectations realistic. They will definitely keep you grounded and let you know when you are trippin'. No shade to my female friends, but sometimes I just need a break from all the estrogen. In some cases the vegetables can become the best fruit you ever had. The problem with vegetables arise when we want to make them fruits. If everyone is on board with the transition from friends to lovers, then we are good. But if they are not, it usually doesn't end well.


read on to find out about the fruit...

We're having Textual Relations

I picked up the phone and called your punk a**. I waited patiently for your return call. I sat there, and the blackberry made that indiscriminate beep/twirp/twitch sound. I know it can't possibly you. That sound signifies a text. I KNOW I called you. I KNOW you're NOT texting me back. No, you're not crazy. You're definitely not texting back. It was your punk a** texting me back.

I just really don't get it. It could all be so simple, but they rather make it hard. I try and try to understand the rational in returning someone's correspondence via an alternative measure from which they first made contact. Ill give some folks the benefit of the doubt. You're busy, so your texting to say "Hey, I'm busy with something, can I hit you later?". But your punk ass definitely just wrote "wassup". What's up is you acting like a simpleton who doesn't know the cardinal rule: By any means necessary, communication by reciprocal means is not an option, its a requirement.

#shade

"Every saints got a past and every sinner's got a future"

I've spent a lot of time and energy hating people. Loyalty has been both my greatest and worst quality. For a long time, I saw my interactions with people in two specific categories: With me OR Against me. I'm sure many people can relate. I still sort of see it that way. My categorizing stemmed from a constant need as a child to be a pleaser. I always wanted everyone to be happy and often compromised myself to that end. It was hard for me to understand that EVERYONE wasn't my friend. I forgave people so easily and it usually ended with me being hurt. There was a particular point in my life where I decided I should compromise myself no longer and therefore it became necessary to group my acquaintances to help me be the best person that I could be.

My new found independence served me well in many situations and it definitely helped me learn about the kind of company I wanted to keep. However, this soon evolved into holding grudges. It was very simple. Once you betrayed me, we were done. Big or small, I didn't mess with you and I let it be known. And I would NOT forget. From a personal slight to my friends-friends-friend didn't like you - whatever the offense, my 'sh*t list' was extensive. The energy expended maintaining it hurt me more than it hurt them.

As I've gotten older, I've allowed myself to change and be flexible. I've realised that my relationships should be somewhat the same. Just as I am dynamic, I should allow others to have the room to progress in my understanding of who they are. I'm learning to allow people who have hurt me to be dynamic creatures- if they choose to prove themselves as such. This basically means: I'm not going to spend my energy being mad at you for something you did 3 years ago, when you were possibly a different person than you are today. Does this mean forgive and forget? Absolutely not. I am just adopting a perspective that helps me be a happier and more accepting person.

So where do these people go? Oh they still go on the 'Sh*t list'- Appendix A. I'm just not about to spend a whole bunch of time hating you because honestly you don't matter.  At this point nothing you have done has contributed to my happiness, so I should give you the same amount of passion you have given me. I'm not about to tell people how much I cant stand you or avoid going to places I like because you might be there. I'm not going to let your presence ruin my evening or spend countless conversations rehashing why you are the bootsyest person on earth. You just are who you are and I have to accept that and move on. I'm not about to get mad every time I see your name in my twitter timeline. I will not go into convulsions at the simple mention of your name in the similar company we keep.

"When you hold a grudge, you block your blessing"

I'm definitely a work in progress on learning how to not spend unnecessary energy throwing shade.(But I reserve the right to throw a #sideeye whenever I please) I'm just all about not blocking my blessings these days. I have too much I want to accomplish to spend valuable energy being mad at somebody else. Plus, when I see other people who seem to not like anybody- it is the most unattractive quality I've ever been exposed to. Nobody likes that person, nobody wants to talk to that person because all they have is something negative to say about somebody else. Sometimes, we just have to let stuff go so that we can grow.

Saying Goodbye to Ugly [Betty] Holly

Last Wednesday was the series finale of Ugly Betty, a show I began watching a few years ago and quickly became hooked on. For those not familiar, the series followed the rise of Betty Suarez (played by America Farrera), a Latina girl from Queens, through the ranks of the fashion magazine industry. When the series began she was a tacky (to put it nicely) glasses and braces wearing girl with big ideas. As the show came to a close, viewers saw Betty's transformation from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan speed up dramatically. By the final episode she was stealth, fashionable, sans braces, still wearing glasses but much better looking glasses. The thing that did not change throughout the many years of the show was Betty's kind spirit and morals.During the final scenes of the show I realized what made me feel such an affinity for Betty over the many years: I AM BETTY! (Minus the braces and the tacky dressing... I've always had style.)

15 Signs He Is Just THAT Into You

Real men give real signs that they really do like YOU

Flip through almost any women's magazine and you will see the list: 10 Ways to Know He Likes You, Top Signs He’s in Love, 25 Reasons He’s Your Man. These lists usually feature some delusional assemblage of relationship banter and foolishness some scorned woman came up with. They are often generic and leave us still wondering what the answers really are. We have all read such lists and asked ourselves, does this guy actually exist? The worst part is that some of us go out expecting to find the man from the checklists and are more than a little disappointed whenever the man we meet falls short.

A few weeks ago, we decided to put women everywhere out of their misery and give them the real signs that a man in his 20s is REALLY feeling YOU. We polled some of the best and brightest of our male friends between the ages of 22-26 to get the scoop. To say we were shocked by the volume of the responses is an understatement As it turns out, if you ask men how they feel (without all the strings and red tape attached), they will spill. And boy did they give us the goods. Below, in no particular order, are the tell-tale signs he is most definitely into you.**

He shares his secrets with you. Secrets are important to any growing relationship. Not keeping them, but sharing them with your partner is critical. If he is really feeling you, he will share the things he holds closest: his fears, the things that make him hurt, and his passions. “Typically, [guys] don't divulge their personal info to just any old chick, mainly because he has no intention in making that stop a permanent one, he's just passing through.” He may share these things through conversation or in other ways. “[If he] asks for you to join him somewhere he is really excited about, something that he is passionate about. He wants to share his real interests with you. He could ask his boys, which would be painless and without pretense- but he asked you because he wants to share this with you.”

He remembers your siblings name and that your favorite color is Aquamarine. One of our guys explained this better than we ever could: "If a guy makes a point to remember things about you [and] If you ain't [expletive], you're probably saying 'He's supposed to be doing that anyway (spoken with the stank voice).' And to a certain degree you're right, but I'm talking about remember things that even your best homegirl might not easily remember. For example, it was this chick that I was soooo into, I made it my business to remember everything she told me, our first date, our first convo (and what we talked about), what she had on when I met her, the first kiss, her best friend, etc. Peep, even to this day, I remember her birthday, middle name, where her family's originally from, her siblings name, what I said to make her smile, what I/she had on when we met, what she ordered on our first date, fav. color, song, basically everything I was told (directly or indirectly)"

He notices you switched to Clean and Clear. He remembers the little things on accident. “If he makes mental note of what you’re allergic to, how you sleep...” these things don't necessarily matter, but they demonstrate that you do! “I remember details such as, you changed face washes or perfume or If I remember obscure stuff that’s small and meaningless that we discussed weeks ago like [and follow up like] 'did your mother ever find her cell phone charger?'"

He hears what you don’t say. We all want a man to listen, but the guys say it’s hearing what you didn't say that matters most. Now we’ll say this- this is a tough one for immature guys, they will take your “Im fine” for face value. But when he is deeply interested in you, he will pick up on when everything isn't okay; even if you say it is. “If I am 'feeling her,' I am listening to what she is NOT SAYING. I am paying attention to her body language, her eagerness-- or lack their of-- when answering intimate questions. I am listening to the way she talks about her family-- and, what she does not say. I am hearing her 'confident talk,' but I am listening to her when she shed lights on her insecurities.”

5 Things I Did Because I liked a Boy

If you say you've never changed even a little bit for a guy or girl you liked, you are a bonafide liar. Its apart of being in relationship with other people. We are dynamic and so we change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. Im not talking about totally changing your moral compass for a stranger, but I am sure we have all made some adjustments that we may have never thought we'd do. I was thinking the other day about being in a relationship, and how after you've been in it for so long, things become so commonplace. I also thought about the person I have become since being 'attached' versus single. Once you've been with someone for awhile and habits begin to form, its often hard to distinguish where you end and the other person begins. Most of my personality changes and dispositions have come as a result of age but some choices have definitely been from direct exposure to certain individuals along the line who have left their mark on my psyche. 

1.  I got saved.
Now me and the Lord have be rocking for awhile, so I dont mean saved in the literal sense. By saved, I mean to say, I tried to be a goodie-two-shoes-trophy-wife-dream-girl-figment-of-some-delusional-soul's-vivid-imagination-project. I stopped laughing unnecessarily loud in public places. Tamed down the neon colors and exchanged them for some pearls. Tried not to curse and made up stories about how I would NEVER do this or that becuase it was "just bad manners." Now in no way am I saying I should have been running around like a wild banchie. It was deinfitely time to evolve,  but because my display was so ingeniune and predicated by another's vision for myself instead of my own- it was totally for naught. I tried to "grow up' into a person who doesnt even exist to suit another's taste's, instead of evolving to suit my own. In reality, I still have some giggles left in me, and at that point in my life it was not at all appropriate for me to hang up my fun face for an apron.

What Every Woman Should Know...

Im sure many of you have come across this jewel, but its so good it deserves a second (and third) read. Haroled as "The Best  Poem Maya Angelou Has Ever Written", this diamond was actually composed by Pamela Redmond Satran and has stuck with me since it was shared  a few years ago during a leadership retreat.

Because she said it best, I wont diminish its power by attempting to explain. I just thought our frog kissers could enjoy a little poetic prose on this lovely Monday morn.

A Woman Should Have by Pamela Redmond Satran

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..


enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she’s content to leave behind….

a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to

retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,

whom she can’t,

and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

where to go…

be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…

or a charming inn in the woods…

when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…

a month…and a year…

Going the Distance: Officially missing you...

I feel like such a negative Nancy writing posts for the Going the Distance series. I really wish I had something good to say. But I really don't. Not because my relationship is bad, but because long distance in and of itself is just bad. It just is. If you can avoid it, avoid it. Its the necessary evil that I'm dealing with right now to get to where I want to be. I won't sugar coat it: LOVE him, HATE it. The worst part is the mean case of the lonelys I'm always struggling with. So having the chance to tell someone, anyone, all about it is pretty therapeutic. Bare with me while I lay on the counseling couch.

Missing someone is a terribly complicated emotion that manifests itself in many different actions and reactions. Namely, it can turn you into a bonafide, buy some mace, get the restraining order PSYCHO gf. Like seriously, Ive always had a few stalker tendencies stemming from my ever present need to be bossy in control. I cant help it. I am quite impulsive when it comes to the people I care about. Further, when all the other emotions get mixed into the ones that come from longing for the companionship of a specific individual, boundaries for acceptable behavior are sure to be crossed. Lets take this for example:

Hop on this: The Walk

Its been raining a lot in california. So much so that I'm starting to think its about time to build that ark just in case we really are living in our last days. Now, I am making a gross assumption that a majority of you reading this are black, black women specifically- so I won't go into the back story of what this means for us. All those not of color- if u aren't familiar, don't go ask a back person- just google black women hair AND water, and see what comes up. (side note: google is like the best kept well known secret- anything you need to know is just a mouse click away, and Google will never punch you in the face for being ignorant) But I digress.

Dealing with the rain and all things water has been like an ongoing battle for me since I got my very first press in kindergarten. For some this was a taste of the creaming crack. The breakthrough moment that let you know you and water were no longer friends. Whatever torture you went through to get your very own dark and lovely, I am sure the sentiment was all the same. Stay away from the wet. I never learned to swim. I never put my head under the shower to let the water run down my face. Even when washing my hair there was something strange about the potential of full submersion. Why? Because from a  young age it was  CRYSTAL clear, that after my grandma spent $40 to get my 5 year old head worth of hair greased, shined, and twirled to perfection- water above the neck without the proper controls was to be avoided like the plague. Understanding this fact reiterates the absurdity of what I am about to tell you next.

Death of the Phone Call

About 45 days ago I embarked on a journey that came to an end yesterday, Sunday, April 4th. I, the self-proclaimed social networking junkie kicked the habit. For the duration of Lent I relinquished the rights to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. This was not an easy task, especially in the midst of a 24th birthday in a new city and launching the blog, but I did it! It never occurred to me how involved I was in my social networking addictions until I let them go. It was way too easy for me to enthrall myself in the minute goings on of my friends throughout the world than to actually focus in on my current surroundings. As I delve back into social networking, I do so with a new perspective.

These tools work best when they are used to enhance our relationships, interactions and business, rather than becoming the sole means by which exist. While I was out of the loop, all of the people I look forward to communicating with daily   used more traditional methods of communication to catch up on life and vise versa. While social networking tools like Facebook and Twitter make things way easier, I will admit I found great joy in hearing my phone ring with calls and text messages, but especially calls. It made me think about the years before the internet ruled the world and we had to actually call and visit the people we wanted to talk to. Now I find myself looking at my call log noting gaps of time without a single social call. How did we go from memorizing the numbers of our most frequently dialed contacts to barely reaching out for a voice on the other end of the line?

We text message, Facebook message, Facebook chat, tweet, direct message and anything else that  helps us avoid voice to voice dialogue. No party is guiltier of this offense than the single dating population. Men don’t call anymore when they want to get to know a woman, and women have become so desensitized to this grievance that we have adopted the same avoidance tactics. They text so we text, never forcing the phone call for fear that we will make waves. Prince wrote this great song that became one of my favorites when Alicia Keys rerecorded it in the early 2000's. The song had a very simple message, 'if what we had was good, how come you don’t call me anymore'? These words have never rang truer than right now. I meet men that will appear very cool and engaged in during our initial meeting and then…he NEVER calls. He will definitely text message, he will ask for my Facebook information oh and for me to 'send [him] a pic' (side eye…& a post for a totally different day), but will neglect the actual phone call. It used to really piss me off, then I assimilated and started communicating in the same ways, and now like Jay-Z, I'm off that!