because if you dont stand for something....

Disclaimer: If you looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, its an Hword.

We have all heard the stories about the plight of single black women, the perpetually lonely female stereotype, that has become all too familiar in recent years. Every news outlet and relationship guru has taken a crack at trying to figure out just why it is Black females cant seem to catch a break when it comes to love and relationships. Whether you buy into either side of the divide, there has been a third side that hasn't been thoroughly investigated. And while some might see this perspective as pure foolywang (maybe it is), it has come to my attention that I must be silent no more as the tom-eff-ery is at an all time high. So humor me for a bit.

It is spring time and  love is truly in the air. And as I survey the prospects of my inner and outer circles it is apparent that there are some semblances of progress towards restoring Black love. However, experiences of the last few days have led me to believe three facts: Hwords are waging a war. Hwords are winning. Hwords must be stopped.

If you want to know why Black women are having such a hard time getting into substantive relationships, do not blame improved professional and educational trajectories, shortages in eligible bachelors, or rampant disease and devastation. It is not undercover brothers or the gout that's got us losing. Blame Hwords. Yes, I said it. Hwords by design, are straying the market value of integrity, modesty, and dare I say it, self respect. In this new market, smuts and tramps are monopolizing the industry, where rachetness is the only relevant currency. So here I am, trying to buy American assets with Somolian Shillings. What I am selling, few are buying.

I originally made the mistake of thinking that Hwords were the exception to the rule. I thought they were just a relatively minute sect of  degenerates living in their own lawless modern day Sodom and Gommorah. But, Oh contrare. Hwords are everywhere. Hide your kids, Hide your wife. They are in your inner circle. They follow you on twitter. They sit next to you in church. Lawless women who have over estimated the power of their hotladyboxes and decided that they will stay relevant BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. By hook or crook. By hook or crook. Newsflash: being a Hword will not get you a good man or strong relationship. Being an Hword just makes it that much harder for everybody else to get/keep one.

What really burns my biscuits is that Hwords have the audacity to believe that what they do has no impact on anyone other than themselves, which is totally  false. You being a duck effects us all. Everytime you do something slutatious you make it that much harder for the next woman to garner respect from said individual. Everytime you let somebody talk to you like a plum fool, you make it that much harder for the next woman to be taken seriously. This world is all about the quick, fast, and easy. Nobody wants to put in work for anything. If he can have it 'easy' with you, why would he want to work for me? And don't give me that 'men should have  higher standards' bull. Men are lazy, simple creatures of habit. And they will respond to the standards of the environment in which they exist. It is up to us to set those expectations and then live up to it.

Understanding the ripple effect of said sloredom, will help put in perspective the true plight of black women. Hwords are raging genocide on respectable Black men and women with the lust of their loins and ignorance. Hwords are killing the black family. You have been warned.

Untitled.

I hate the term bored. I hate to hear someone say that they are bored. Boredom is idiocy. The dumbest thing to ever come out of a person's mouth is, I'm bored. Nobody likes bored people because bored people are boring. They lack the presumed innate intelligence to make something happen in their lives when the automaticity of life's events encounters a temporary halt. They do not know how to be dynamic and the laws of attraction are necessarily voided by the bored person's inability to bring activity to themselves. Boredom is a self-perpetuating cycle that really only the bored person can break. If you cant make something happen for yourself and instead just sit around talking about how wack things are, you sound dumb...as hell. And while I sat on my couch yesterday, looking around listlessly at my phone, the empty seat next to me, the rerun on the television, my empty refrigerator, I  shocked myself letting out a long melodramatic sigh and before I thinking twice the phrase left my lips.... I'm Bored.

Every once in a while I find myself in one of these funks where I just do'nt feel engaged by anything happening in my life. The triggers for this deluge are many. Sometimes it lasts but a day, a few hours. Other times I can go on for up to a week in my slump. Most often my exit from restlessness takes the form of wanton crackhead-esque cleaning and organizing of all things in my life. And once I feel, 'settled' I am suddenly back to my old self again.

A friend, in an attempt to help me break the stronghold this case of the melancholies had one me, asked a few probing questions. What would make me feel better? A vacation to somewhere exotic, going back to school, a hobby? And then he said the words that nearly sent me reeling... A man? ....A boo? Did. I. need. a. man?

After answering with a quick line to avoid blaming my sad state on singleness alone, I reread the last option he offered nearly twenty times. Had it truly come down to this one factor in my life? Had the grips of boredom finally taken me all the way over to the land of ridiculous? Have I really become the SAD, single, black female?

While I have to admit that I am coming off of a binge of unfulfilling whirl-wind dating, I could not believe that my boredom had totally come down to the fact that I didn't have a man. I mean, how sad does that sound? How stupid is that? But if I dig really deep to think about what it is I am truly missing in my life, I cannot wholly deny that having a companion wouldn't have the potential to make an impact. I mean, who doesn't want someone around that they can hang out with, trust, find comfort, and all that other stuff? I just don't do single well. I know how to do attached. I know how to give it all to someone else. And here lies my damn problem. I love being in Love. And though I can admit to  missing a specific companion at times, the unfortunate love of being in love is an all too familiar sickness to those who sympathize with my present feeling of perpetual stagnation.

So many women, and even a few men suffer from a love of Love. And unfortunately it rarely ends positively. Love of  Love often causes women to get into relationships that don't and wont ever meet their expectations. Love of Love finds men at the butt of jokes while their 'lover' shows off the pics and emoticon riddled texts their current level of b*tchassness facilitates. We give up way to much when we love Love. Loving Love is dismal, dead-end. And like boredom, it just makes us look dumb. As cliche as it sounds, we would all be a lot better off if we could just figure out how to be alone.

Personally, this is an ever-present battle as I am both addicted to love and friendship. I just hate being by myself. I've lived most of my life as an only child, and while it would seem natural to enjoy solitude, only in recent months have a learned to 'psuedo' be alone. In reality, Ive never really let myself be TOTALLY by myself. If I don't have a date, I'm hanging or talking with a friend. However, I recognize that learning to be by myself is critical to finally encountering and maintaining my best self. Like seriously, if you don't even want to be with yourself, who else will? If you cant stand you for more than a few hours, how do you expect to be with someone for a few months, years, or even forever? I suppose most of the answer to this problem lies in me being a big little girl and just getting it the hell together.

Some people have a problem initiating but throwing  myself into something and someone new has become my worst enemy. I'm standing in the mirror, trying desperately to figure out how to just deal with plain old me for a change, and I'm bored to tears.

Relationship Test

Once a year we are given a unique opportunity to learn valuable lessons about the relationships we have built during the previous year. Yes there are other opportunities but I'm only focusing on the one that comes every year without fail. Every year on my birthday I learn who is really down for the Holly G. cause. It's really simple, the people who love you, the people who want the best for you, the people you SHOULD consider your team will always, always show up for you. Now life gets crazy so they may not physically be there but if they're really down for team YOU there presence will most definitely be felt.

Some may say, 'Why, birthdays shouldn't your team always be there'? Well of course. However, the truth is on a day to day we only need ourselves and God to make it happen. Your support system is there to get you through the rough patches, to remind you you can do it, that how they got the support system title. I honestly believe it is easier to find a rider when you're going through a rough patch- everyone wants to be someone's everything/savior/captain save a hoe. How many people will be there when everything is just fine, just to celebrate you? The realest of real will show up when its all about you, to make sure that it is in fact ALL ABOUT YOU (at least for that day). They will smile and laugh, bite their tongues when you get to drunk and start cursing everyone out or to make you forget about all the people proved they were not down for team you.

This level of love and friendship requires more than a kind word, it requires an unselfish heart and a little thoughtful dedication. When I think back to the past few birthdays there are some consistent figures that have made it truly special whether they were sitting right next to me while I blew out the candles or sent their love and positive vibes from hundreds of miles away. This observation has also urged me to call some relationships into question and make the necessary adjustments. At this point in our lives we do not have time to carry dead weight. The next time you blow those candles out take a little inventory.

 Just a little something for my team!

Thoughts Before a Quarter Century

It's that time, all my friends and college classmates are turning 25. Every week I get a new email or text about birthday festivities and travel plans. My own 25th birthday is just a few days away and while I am very excited about the weekend's festivities and foolywang I must confess I have been having quite sobering thoughts.

As a child I remember thinking about what 25 was going to look and I will confess, the 25 of my childhood dreams looked absolutely nothing like this. I just knew I would be engaged to some great guy, finishing up medical school (yes, I was going to be a doctor once upon a childhood) and everything would be close to perfect. After all I was going to be an adult and life is really easy and cookie cutter like as an adult. Sike. The truth is I am a far cry from all of those things, especially the everything being close to perfect part.

At almost 25 my life is complicated and full of uncertainty. I find myself single, unemployed and back home with mom. What a way to start the next quarter century, huh? I'm not having a pity party, I am merely acknowledging the major facts. These major facts have lead my to a major conclusion that I will use to govern my life for at least the next quarter century. Life doesn't always follow the plans we make. I know is seems really simple but I think we take this small nugget of truth for granted more often than not.

This time last year I had a high stress job that left little time for a personal life while I lived in Orlando, but it was a job I loved 80 percent of the time so it was totally cool. This year, I have a thriving personal life and while my relationship status is unchanged I'm actually dating someone pretty great. The economy snatched my high stress job away, and that was a tough pill to swallow, but pill swallowed. Life goes on.

Through it all there are a few things that have been steadfast. I have a wonderful and supportive family, amazing friends and unshakable faith. These are the factors that have kept me stable when everything in me was wanting to fall apart. Life doesn't always follow the plans we make, but that's not our problem, life is doing what it's supposed to do- make us better. We have to do our part and keep planning, be ready to readjust and enjoy the ride.

REPOST: Valentine's Day: The Love(r's) Holiday

This was the first post we ever published on the blog and since we're in the last few days leading up to the holiday I thought it was only fitting to repost it. Keep the faith and have a fantastic weekend/holiday!

As yet another Valentine’s Day has come and gone; I have been able to draw one simple but very important conclusion, I might even venture to call this conclusion life changing. Before I change your life, I have to give you a little back story; at the age of 23 I have never had a romantic Valentine. In my younger years I wore black on what I believed to be a cursed holiday for me. I was so hung up on the fact that I didn’t have that special man friend to share “the most romantic day of the year” with that I missed out on all the possibilities. I did not allow this same pattern to follow me into my college years and beyond. For at least the past six years I have been following the mantra of the ever so popular Real World New Orleans cast member Julie, “You don’t have to be in love on Valentines Day, you just have to have love”. Julie got the big picture, unlike me in years past and some friends and peers currently.

While anyone who is special to me will tell you, I tell them how much I love and appreciate them way too much, Valentines Day provides each of us with the opportunity to celebrate all the love we have rather than that small bit of love we think we're missing. Now I won’t play like I wouldn’t love to have a special guy to spend V-day with, but not having said special guy is not going to ruin my life or even February 14th. Every year I embrace all the love I'm blessed to have in my life by making sure to have a wonderful day with one of the many special people in my life, and it is always a memorable event. In the past six years I’ve cooked dinner had movie night with my mother and little sister, seen a play with good friends, played Valentine to a friend dealing with a difficult break up and spent the evening with a very special “Fall Boo”. None of these activities had any romantic undertones, but were excellent experiences nonetheless.

Ladies and gentleman, if you spent Valentine’s Day 2010 alone or called yourself boycotting or sad under a rock…shake it off! You have an entire year to get on the" give love when not IN love bandwagon". We reap what we sow, if we want to feel loved and receive love we must first learn to spread a little. You won't find me on my lily pad watching life and love pass me by; I'm in the game and enjoying almost every minute!

Monkey in the Middle

 Monkey in the Middle was by far one of my least favorite childhood games. I'm short and I've always been short so there was never a favorable outcome for me. I would jump and jump but was never quite able to grab the ball as it went back and forth over my head, evading my fingertips a little more with every pass. By the end I would be exhausted and totally over it, ready for a freeze pop and a nap. Lately, I get the feeling I'm in an adult version of Monkey in the Middle with giants throwing the ball back and forth. The two giants are very familiar and we definitely have a love-hate relationship. The giant on my left is my family, they're demanding but give as good as they get. The other giant is work, a crazy beast that demands plenty of my time and energy while only yielding sporatic returns in the grand scheme of things. And then there's the ball, that precious little ball that still alludes my fingertips. The ball is my shrinking personal life and "me" time. I see said personal life go back and forth between my family and my career wishing I could grab it and never share it again. Is anyone else caught in this real life game of Monkey in the Middle? 

As children we are taught that being selfish is wrong. In fact, if word got out that you were the selfish kid you could almost immediately see a decline in play date and birthday party invitations, and who in the WORLD wanted that? No one, so we all put on a brave front and learned to share our favorite toys and covetted snacks to avoid excommunication. However, the older I get the more I begin to think that this rule is slightly antiquated when we hit young adulthood. If there was ever a time to embrace a selfish attitude, the twenties are definitely it. Side Note: This whole theory is null and void if you are the following: a parent, a spouse, a soon-to-be spouse or long term bf/gf, the selfish ship has indeed sailed for you and you have yourself to thank for pulling up the anchor. If none of those titles apply to you, welcome to the World of Selfish!

The twenties (post college especially) is the perfect time for such behavior because of all the obvious reasons, no children, disposeable income, independence from parents, youth and hopefully good looks! I think that we have all been over programmed, especially women, to the don't be selfish station and it's really time to change the channel. On numerous occasions I've fallen in the trap of putting everyone and everything before me resulting in my feeling like the monkey in the middle, with no way to escape. It would be much easier to say no and put myself first if I was super tight with my family and if they hadn't done everything in their power to ensure my successful transition into adulthood, but I am and they did. Work on the other hand...we both need each other and only like each other from time to time. What can I though? You don't work, you don't eat.

Is there a solution? Yeah...balance is HIGHLY overrated. People keep telling me how young I am and that there is plenty of time so I'll apply that here. Balance is highly overrated at this juncture in life. Unfortunately, when we have great people in our lives (family, friends, significant others) and a job that's taking you places keep playing the game, keep jumping for the magic ball of personal time. Every once in a while the giants throwing the ball back and forth will get worn out and you'll have the perfect opportunity to grab the ball. Good luck in your games of Monkey in the Middle...we ALL need it!

Pick your Battles, Win the war

The inability to stay in one's lane has caused many a hardship in the world of life, love, and relationships. We all know that one guy with the distorted self-image, who thinks he can holla at and bag anything with legs, fully clad in his Girbauds velcro jeans and all.   Fat chicks in leggings-- Stay in your lane. Snatch-back ponytails?- Girl stop. And an ultimate favorite,: always trying to be super deep via twitter or facebook without so much as a middle schoolers grasp on the mechanics of the King's English? Here are 10 seats. Please have one.

It's important for all of us to know our calling and for us to be self- reflective and critical enough to know when we are just in over our heads, or worse, in the wrong game all together. This is especially true in our relationships, but maybe not for the reasons we might initially assume.

For me, relationships have sort of been like a competition. And I only get to win if I have the least number of transgressions between the two of us. Call it silly, but that's the main motivating factor for keeping me on the straight and narrow when it comes to indiscretions.I want to win. The only way I win is not by being perfect, its just by being less trifling than you.

The old adage remains true: Cheaters Never Win.